Am I Closeted?

Today I purchased a yummy white chocolate mocha from the friendly Starbucks guy at work. We chat every time I indulge in this yummy treat, usually about movies, but today’s conversation took a slight, very innocent turn to the personal. While in the store I scooped up some flavored pretzels for Brandy and he joked about my mocha/pretzel combination (it would have been very gross; hot buffalo wing flavored pretzels with a white chocolate mocha equals bellyache!). I replied that the pretzels weren’t for me. He asked who were they for, the kids at home? I replied that they were not. He seemed confused, and questioned who they were for if not for me or the kids. I told him they were for my other loved one at home. So then he actually asked about my household---is it me, kids & a hubby? I answered no. He replied, “It’s not like that?” and I simply said no. With a smile of course. J The burning question I had inside was the same as every time I encounter this situation—why do I not tell the person I’m speaking to that I’m engaged to a woman? That the love of my life is of the same sex? Instead I dance right over the topic and leave them guessing. Or confused. Or perhaps wondering if I’m harping some deep, dark secret about who I’m involved with.

I’ve bumped into this situation many times. Back in ’06 I interviewed with a woman at Harpo Studios and she asked me if I was out. I responded quickly, “Oh yes, absolutely!” She smiled and asked if that meant all my co-workers knew that I’m gay. I frowned and replied, “Oh no, I don’t talk to them about that.” Not all of them at least. Of course she was perplexed. How was I out but hadn’t told most of my co-workers about my sexual identity? I also remember one of my flights to Atlanta early last year and the oh so sweet woman on the plane next to me asked if I left my husband at home while I visited Atlanta. I responded with a super swift “No.” She pointed to my ring and just like the Starbucks guy, questioned my denial. I smiled and changed the subject. Sometimes I wonder if this is a cowardly move on my part—do I fear judgment from these strangers? Really, why is it that I choose to keep this exciting relationship from the person to whom I’m talking? It’s a difficult line to cross when determining what facets of my life to share. I know I’m not closeted, right? Certainly I wouldn’t be writing this blog on the internet for all to see if I were.

It’s taken me awhile to realize that this isn’t about being closeted or being out. For me it comes down to privacy; I am and always have been an extremely private person. If on a Monday morning someone I don’t know well asked what I did over the weekend, my response is likely to be just as short and vague as if they had asked who I’m marrying this upcoming July. I simply don’t share details, even minor ones, with just any and every one and I’ve always been this way. Yet still I’m internally bothered each time I avoid sharing details about Brandy and our love. I wonder if I’m not taking advantage of a moment to educate someone on same-sex relationships. Maybe sharing this piece of knowledge about myself could promote positive awareness about same sex commitments. Perhaps it’s my duty and responsibility to be open with all I encounter. However, I realize that in being open there’s a potential flip side that could lead to conversations about religion, sin, and possible criticism about same sex love and those conversations I choose wisely (and rarely) at this point in my life.

I’m quite curious how others handle this situation. If you don’t consider yourself a closeted person, how do you handle innocent inquiries and questions about your same sex significant other? Are you open and free, willing to share details about your same sex commitment with any one? Or are you guarded and private about your relationship?

©Nikki Rashan, January 2012

A Moment of Silence: A Journey Back to His Love...

Years ago I turned my back on God. I was raised Baptist and attended a variety of churches growing up, including a family church in Chicago. Although I stopped attending church on Sundays when I was 20, I’d still attend periodically. I loved God and sought his guidance regularly even though I had become an Easter and Mother’s Day member. ;-) Around the age of 32 after about four years of being “out” I had grown weary of churches in which I was not welcome. I’d visit one church for a few weeks until the topic of homosexuality would come up so I’d leave and try another church only for it to happen again. I also became tired of Christians condemning me while I witnessed them commit their righteous sins, and yet mine remained “thee most abominable” of all. Mostly I was exhausted of praying for clarity and understanding of my life’s path when everyone around me spoke on God’s behalf and told me my path was wrong. (Let me be clear that when I say “me” I’m not necessarily speaking of just myself. While I certainly experienced my share of prayers and laying of hands to free me of sin, I’m speaking in a larger sense about the gay and lesbian community as a whole.)

To relieve myself of the guilt and stress, I left God behind and dared anyone to mention His name to me. I hadn’t become an atheist; my belief in a strength and power greater than me was too innate to deny. What I did was make a conscious choice to close my heart to Him. This allowed me to wag my finger at all lying, cheating, addicted, stealing, hypocritical “straight” Christians, and silently judge them the way they verbally judged me. I shut out all Bible-thumping church folks and surrounded myself with a small group of friends, both gay and straight, who loved me as me.

I soon entered a new spiritual path. I dove deeply into “The Secret” and read book after book about the law of attraction. I read up on Eastern traditions and studied a bit on Hindu and Buddhist beliefs. I meditated. I journaled. I wrote gratitude lists and chanted daily affirmations. All of these teachings and readings proved beneficial as these were some of the deepest growing years in my adulthood thus far. I released the resentment and judgment I felt toward those who condemned me and I learned to love and embrace everyone despite—despite their sexual orientation, despite their religious beliefs, and regardless of how they choose to live their own lives. I understood that while we’re all on our own paths and journeys, we’re all connected to The One Source.

Although I began to thrive with a fresh outlook on humankind, one piece remained missing. I still had yet to acknowledge Him again as the source from which we all come.

I recall talking to Brandy one day in late summer 2010 and telling her that developing a relationship with God just wasn’t on my priority list. I was no longer that pained, guilt-ridden woman of my early thirties who was struggling and seeking answers. I thought I had found them all in my studies. Brandy was silent. She didn’t agree with what I said or even acknowledge my words. But she didn’t scold me either. The quiet on the other end was all I needed to hear because in it I finally heard myself. My resistance to Him was still the fear of judgment I might receive from others. In that stillness I learned that regardless of any external voices I might hear, and beyond the love of my friends and even the love I uncovered for myself, He loves me greatest. He always has, even when I turned from Him, and He always will. From that moment forward my heart re-opened.

Now, all of this does not suggest that in the past year I’ve transformed into a church-going, Bible carrying, scripture quoting woman. That I am not. ;-) What I am is a woman who appreciates my journey. I still believe in the law of attraction and I still write my gratitude lists and repeat affirmations. I sincerely believe my spiritual understanding is broader than it ever would have been had I remained confined within the Baptist belief system. For me, I had to learn to love and accept myself without the outside pressure of organized religion deterring me from what I know is truth: He is love in all forms and I, along with every person and every thing, am a reflection of His love. He is love in the light seeping through the blinds each morning, in the sparkles of the sky each night, and He is love in the form of silence on the other end of a summer afternoon telephone call. I’m so glad I listened.

We'd love to hear about your spiritual journey if you're open to sharing...

© Nikki Rashan, December 2011

COMPLIMENTS: Welcomed or Not?

There are times Nikki and I go to events and I see people “wreckless eyeballing” and whispering amongst their friends.  I can only imagine what they are thinking and saying.  It doesn’t bother me one bit.  Want to know why?  ‘Cause she’s leaving with me! J  In those situations I smile and might even give the onlookers a wink to let them know… “I see you lookin’ witcha lookin’ azz”…haha!  I’m laughing but very serious.  I find it complimentary and take no offense when others find my sweets attractive - as long as they remain respectful.   Now if it goes any further than a glance and crosses that fine line into disrespect, then Brandy off ‘da block might join the party...(KAPOW!)  I want Nikki to look good, feel good, and know that it’s all good when we are in the midst of others.  I walk a little taller, smile a little wider and give that infamous nod that says... “Thank you, thank you, thank you… you’re far too kind” (in my Jay-Z voice). I often kid with her before leaving the house, depending on what she decides to wear, if she’s trying to get me into an altercation or something.    

                So, when someone is looking at your significant other or may even pay them a compliment, does it make you ‘feel some kinda way?’  If you get that feeling in your chest, does that mean you’re insecure and possessive?  When are too many compliments too much attention?

©BNasha, November, 2011

The "Ex-Factor"

This weekend I did a sweep of 2,100 friends on Facebook. This wasn’t done for any personal reasons toward any of them; I did it to move more friends over to the Nikki Rashan “fan” page and to promote a more intimate atmosphere on my personal profile. With this transition came the removal of some people I actually know in real life. Thing is, on my friends list were a handful of ex’s (yikes J) that are now removed.  

Since we began our relationship, Brandy and I haven’t engaged in too many conversations about our ex’s. We’re in a unique situation—by the time B and I started dating in 2009, we had been friends for over seven years and were already aware of each other’s experiences with others so there really hasn’t been much talk regarding ex’s.  Plus, we already agreed that the past- the ex’s- are irrelevant to our relationship and who we are to each other (see previous blog ;-)).

There have been occasions, however, when we’ve had the “ex as a friend” conversation. We never really come to a consensus as I tend to believe it depends on the people involved, how the relationship ended and most importantly, whether or not there are any unresolved feelings on the ex’s part. Brandy, on the other hand, firmly believes it’s unnecessary to be friends with an ex. Because we don’t force our opinions on one another, I think we’ve agreed to have different viewpoints on this topic (and thank goodness this isn’t a problem for us anyway).

B never said anything about my friends list. Really there was never a need to talk about it. I, along with the few people I had dated that were on my list, had all moved on with our lives. It’s not like we were talking on the phone, lunching together (that's a whole different story) or even exchanging e-mails. Any interaction was public-a “Like” of status updates or a comment here and there; nothing major. But still I know that the “ex” topic can be fragile for some, even if the only connection is online.

So tell us, what are your thoughts on the ex-factor? Do the people you dated automatically get removed as a friend if it doesn’t work out? Or is it okay if you or your partner have ex’s as friends online? If an ex requested your friendship now, would you accept?

© Nikki Rashan, October 2011

From THEN to NOW: the JOURNEY continues...

9 years, 1 month, and 21 days is how long Nikki and I have been friends…

Within that time frame I have gotten to know my sweet friend pretty well. In the beginning we spent many summer nights in silence losing ourselves in music. I would sit at one end of the sofa and with Nikki resting comfortably in my lap, I'd caress her head and just listen to song after song into the wee hours of the morning. We’d also hang out at her “Real World” parties on Tuesday nights and the occasionally go out with mutual friends. Shortly after becoming friends I left Milwaukee and moved to Atlanta, but still our friendship remained connected; sharing music, emails and visits when each of us was in town.


1 year, 10 months and 10 days is how long we’ve been in an intimate relationship…

There were many flights from Milwaukee to Atlanta and Atlanta to Milwaukee. As our routine long weekends approached our excitement intensified. For the next 3-4 days after arrival we’d play catch up on wining and dining, movies, quiet evenings, long talks, listening to music, visiting friends, and doing all the things we didn’t want to do in each other’s absence. Then that dreadful day would come when we would have to make that trip back to the airport. Those rides worsened as the months passed: tears, attitudes and silence. I couldn’t stand making the drive on departure day. On arrival day I-285 South was my best friend. However, on departure day I would curse at every exit: Atlanta Road -I hate this place; S. Cobb Drive-I can’t wait to leave here! Hollowell Pkwy - tears stream down my face as I try not to make eye contact with Nikki because I see the tears streaming down her face as well. By the time we'd reach Hartsfield-Jackson we were emotional wrecks. It was always a bittersweet visit; loving the time spent but hating to see it come to an end for the next thirty days or so.


3 months and 4 days is how long we have lived together...

Finally I am here and it’s been lovely. Getting to know Nik on day to day basis is interesting and appreciated. Before my arrival we had the "live together talk" and she thought I’d be the OCD one because I am rather organized. Not to say that she isn’t but for some reason she thought I was kind of over the top because all of my hangers are white, bed has to be made before I can get in it, toilet paper roll is under and seemingly I was always cleaning. Au contraire mon soeur (on the contrary my sister)! Nikki my sweetheart, love of my life, woman whom I plan to marry in less than a year-- kisses! A few weeks back she was looking for something that belonged on the second shelf in our toiletry cabinet and it wasn’t there but on the shelf below. Laaaawwwwwd you would’ve thought the world depended on this item being in its place. It was then I learned the cabinet is important to her. It has to stay ‘in order’ or me and all three girls will be in TROUBLE! After our Wal-Mart trip, she sat on the floor and quietly organized this cabinet to perfection while placing the items we just bought on their respective shelves I didn’t say a word only laughed to myself. But this right here… this right here (in my Katt Williams voice) takes the cake. One evening we were putting pictures on a stand in the family room. Me, I just placed them up there and thought it was okay. Uh-uh… nope. It wasn’t that simple. Can you believe we were in there for well over an hour strategically placing picture frames on a shelf! Like for real… really, are you serious the picture can’t stay right here?! She shot me ‘that look’ so I sat on the sectional and watched her mull over where to place a 4x6 photo frame on a shelf. I sat there in disbelief as she looked from every angle in the room at this shelf and the picture. By this time I am cracking up but she’s dead serious--still I am cracking up and started teasing her until finally she had positioned the picture to her liking. During this phase of our journey it’s been amusing to experience her quirky ways of doing things as I’m sure she finds humor in mine.
 

10 months and 10 days until we say …. I do

We have so much to ready ourselves for: Briana leaves for the U.S. Navy 10/24/11 and Jasmine and Courtney graduate 06/12. After those significant events we will then exchange vows and begin our lives as wife and wife.


#ourjourneyshallcontinue

 

©BNasha, September, 2011

My #1 Passenger...

Being with Brandy in the same city has been wonderfully awesome. And now that she’s here there’s so much we enjoy doing together. We love going out to eat, catching a movie, and shopping at the mall... We venture out and about with friends, travel to Chicago quite often, and ride downtown to work together on a daily basis. As you see, we drive A LOT.

It didn’t take long for me to pick up on B’s habits while I’m driving. If I’m at a stop sign looking left, then right, and then left again, B is right alongside me doing the same. If I’m at a median intersection waiting for an opening between cars, B is next to me looking for the right opportunity to enter as well. Point is, I quickly noticed that B is a side-seat driver.

My first stubborn Leo-like thought was, Why is she looking too? I’ve had my license over twenty years and never had an accident-I got this. So of course me being me, I called her out on it. B’s response was obvious and expected; she was only double checking to make sure I “had it.” Me: I got it. Since then B has attempted to minimize her passenger seat driving ways, but every now and then I catch her in my peripheral when she must think I can’t see. It makes me smile inside.

See, I finally understand the greater meaning behind B’s actions. She’s not trying to take the wheel and drive for me, she’s simply my look-out. My support.  She checks my blind spot if or when I fail to see. I say this literally and metaphorically. In my everyday movements she’s always there, allowing me to travel the road that only I can, while she silently meets me at every turn, intersection and sometimes road block. She speaks up if there’s oncoming danger I don’t see. And if it’s too late, she’s my seatbelt keeping me safe from harm. If I happen upon an unexpected dead end, she helps me map out an alternate route to ensure I reach my destination. She’s my side view mirror, air bag and GPS all wrapped in one, there for my assistance, protection and guidance as needed.

I no longer cringe when I feel B peeping traffic with me while I drive. It’s a constant reminder that as I journey my life’s roads around mountains, through valleys, and along smooth stretches of highway, I have a partner buckled in at my side, taking in the view right with me. J

© Nikki Rashan, July 2011

Prepared: She is READY

The many flights over the past year and a half: ATL to MKE and MKE to ATL are distant memories.  Eight hundred plus miles no longer stand between us.  Now we can simply reach out and touch each other on a daily basis. 

J & C welcomed Briana, Bailey (my Maltese) and me with open arms.  Fez (her yorkie) is slowly warming up to my hyper Bailey; he’s no longer hiding under the bed from her so I think they’re making progress. What’s most comforting is seeing and feeling how prepared Nikki was for my arrival.  I have space in the closet, the drawers, the nightstand, the linen closet, the basement, the garage etc… Those are the physical aspects of her preparation which helped to get ‘my stuff’ settled in. We’ve turned her home into our home.

It is one thing to make space in the home.   What reassured me beyond words was the room she made in the following:

Heart- accepting me for me and loving me unconditionally. She emotionally caters to all of me.

Mind- understanding my likes/ dislikes, wants/ needs and desires while making them a priority.

Spirit- allowing me to coexist within her being on a higher level.  Trusting me with all of her…

She doesn’t allow her independence to hinder the dynamics of our togetherness.  Her selflessness, patience, and consideration are to be much-admired.  I’m not tooting any horns here but um…TOOT-TOOT to my babe for preparing for me beyond the physical.  Kudos to her for being attentive to my needs and meeting them, loving me a little more when I needed it most and being patient and understanding during this beautiful transition. Preparing beyond what can be seen is so appreciated!! 

Coming together under one roof isn’t just a physical preparation.  It is also a spiritual, emotional, and financial blending of individuals into a partnership.  It requires more than making room in the house.  You have to think, feel and be beyond yourself. It is necessary to be in tune with the happenings of your partner.  You have to ready yourself to love harder, understand deeper and coexist on a higher level together.

Tell us, how have you prepared?

©BJenkins, July 2011