A Moment of Silence: A Journey Back to His Love...

Years ago I turned my back on God. I was raised Baptist and attended a variety of churches growing up, including a family church in Chicago. Although I stopped attending church on Sundays when I was 20, I’d still attend periodically. I loved God and sought his guidance regularly even though I had become an Easter and Mother’s Day member. ;-) Around the age of 32 after about four years of being “out” I had grown weary of churches in which I was not welcome. I’d visit one church for a few weeks until the topic of homosexuality would come up so I’d leave and try another church only for it to happen again. I also became tired of Christians condemning me while I witnessed them commit their righteous sins, and yet mine remained “thee most abominable” of all. Mostly I was exhausted of praying for clarity and understanding of my life’s path when everyone around me spoke on God’s behalf and told me my path was wrong. (Let me be clear that when I say “me” I’m not necessarily speaking of just myself. While I certainly experienced my share of prayers and laying of hands to free me of sin, I’m speaking in a larger sense about the gay and lesbian community as a whole.)

To relieve myself of the guilt and stress, I left God behind and dared anyone to mention His name to me. I hadn’t become an atheist; my belief in a strength and power greater than me was too innate to deny. What I did was make a conscious choice to close my heart to Him. This allowed me to wag my finger at all lying, cheating, addicted, stealing, hypocritical “straight” Christians, and silently judge them the way they verbally judged me. I shut out all Bible-thumping church folks and surrounded myself with a small group of friends, both gay and straight, who loved me as me.

I soon entered a new spiritual path. I dove deeply into “The Secret” and read book after book about the law of attraction. I read up on Eastern traditions and studied a bit on Hindu and Buddhist beliefs. I meditated. I journaled. I wrote gratitude lists and chanted daily affirmations. All of these teachings and readings proved beneficial as these were some of the deepest growing years in my adulthood thus far. I released the resentment and judgment I felt toward those who condemned me and I learned to love and embrace everyone despite—despite their sexual orientation, despite their religious beliefs, and regardless of how they choose to live their own lives. I understood that while we’re all on our own paths and journeys, we’re all connected to The One Source.

Although I began to thrive with a fresh outlook on humankind, one piece remained missing. I still had yet to acknowledge Him again as the source from which we all come.

I recall talking to Brandy one day in late summer 2010 and telling her that developing a relationship with God just wasn’t on my priority list. I was no longer that pained, guilt-ridden woman of my early thirties who was struggling and seeking answers. I thought I had found them all in my studies. Brandy was silent. She didn’t agree with what I said or even acknowledge my words. But she didn’t scold me either. The quiet on the other end was all I needed to hear because in it I finally heard myself. My resistance to Him was still the fear of judgment I might receive from others. In that stillness I learned that regardless of any external voices I might hear, and beyond the love of my friends and even the love I uncovered for myself, He loves me greatest. He always has, even when I turned from Him, and He always will. From that moment forward my heart re-opened.

Now, all of this does not suggest that in the past year I’ve transformed into a church-going, Bible carrying, scripture quoting woman. That I am not. ;-) What I am is a woman who appreciates my journey. I still believe in the law of attraction and I still write my gratitude lists and repeat affirmations. I sincerely believe my spiritual understanding is broader than it ever would have been had I remained confined within the Baptist belief system. For me, I had to learn to love and accept myself without the outside pressure of organized religion deterring me from what I know is truth: He is love in all forms and I, along with every person and every thing, am a reflection of His love. He is love in the light seeping through the blinds each morning, in the sparkles of the sky each night, and He is love in the form of silence on the other end of a summer afternoon telephone call. I’m so glad I listened.

We'd love to hear about your spiritual journey if you're open to sharing...

© Nikki Rashan, December 2011