What's the password?

I’ve been a journal writer for almost thirty years. I received my first diary when I was nine years old and immediately found refuge in the small, blue lined pages where I would share all my childhood thoughts. The moments documented became more intense during my teenage years, while my adulthood covers a wide array of emotions from depression and confusion, desire and fantasy, to love and faith. It’s those pages that carry the deepest parts of me and guess what? They’re for my eyes only. To invade such privacies is, for me, the ultimate theft and betrayal. It’s not that my journal contains such secrets that cannot see the light of day (I have no buried remains in the yard ;-)); it’s just that those words are written in my own rhythm and vibe and are the realest, truest me.

In comes Brandy. I’m so grateful that Brandy is also a journal writer and that we share the exact same sentiments. I can write in my journal and she in hers without the other peeking over the shoulder, or silently paranoid about the thoughts and feelings being conveyed onto paper. Occasionally we’ve shared bits and pieces from our journals. Brandy laughs because I’m good for skipping sentences here and there and she takes no offense to it; I love her! Recently, I pulled out a journal from 2002 and shared a piece about the night we brought in my 30^th birthday. I had commented on the way her skirt hiked up while we were eating our “after the club” meal and I quote, “That girl has got some pretty legs.” In this sense it’s been kind of fun to go back and reveal some of the quietly kept thoughts we had about one another back then (and seriously, we really were just friends…ahh, I seem to be getting off track hereJ). Point is, we respect the other’s privacy without question, not only with our journals, but in other aspects as well.

These days there seems to be plenty of gray areas of what falls under what privacy guidelines.  Let’s see, there are e-mail and social networking login and passwords, voice mail passwords, and we cannot forget text messages.  Oh, how the world of texting has created an uproar and discord in relationships. For some, their partner’s unattended cell phone is as enticing as a martini during rehab; you know you shouldn’t, but it’s calling you.

When it comes to contemplating whether or not to invade another’s privacy, I’d think one would question inward versus outward.  What is it within YOU that ignites the curiosity, not what SOMEONE ELSE is doing that prompts the curiosity. I’m sure that statement is left to debate. Many would say that of course privacy invasions are solicited and dependent upon what another may be doing. My argument would be that’s just a blame game for justifying a wrongful action. I’d think a person should ask herself what it is she’s looking for, why she’s looking, and what happens with what she does or does not find. There has to be some obvious (or deep-set) insecurities and trust issues. It’s those issues that manifest into actions like uninvited checking into a partner’s personal space. I guess that opens the door to another question up for debate: what is considered personal space? Are e-mails, texts, and online activities private when in a committed relationship? My answer is yes.

Once upon a time my email accounts were unprotected. Now they’re not. That has nothing to do with Brandy; she’s privy to every password I have if she asked.  Thing is, she doesn’t ask nor does she pry into what we both agree is my space and I don’t pry into hers. The truth is we have shared certain passwords with one another. There have been times when I needed immediate information from Facebook and didn’t have access to get it myself. Because I trust Brandy, I have no qualms with giving her my password because I know she won’t misuse and abuse it. To me, there’s a humongous difference between sharing a password out of necessity, versus sharing it out of pressure or to appease another’s insecurities.

For me and Brandy, we’ve agreed that what’s hers is hers and what’s mine is mine. But not because we have individual secrets we’re keeping, but because we respect and trust the other. This is what works for us. So do share…what are the privacy parameters within your relationship?

©Nikki Rashan, January 2011