What's the password?

I’ve been a journal writer for almost thirty years. I received my first diary when I was nine years old and immediately found refuge in the small, blue lined pages where I would share all my childhood thoughts. The moments documented became more intense during my teenage years, while my adulthood covers a wide array of emotions from depression and confusion, desire and fantasy, to love and faith. It’s those pages that carry the deepest parts of me and guess what? They’re for my eyes only. To invade such privacies is, for me, the ultimate theft and betrayal. It’s not that my journal contains such secrets that cannot see the light of day (I have no buried remains in the yard ;-)); it’s just that those words are written in my own rhythm and vibe and are the realest, truest me.

In comes Brandy. I’m so grateful that Brandy is also a journal writer and that we share the exact same sentiments. I can write in my journal and she in hers without the other peeking over the shoulder, or silently paranoid about the thoughts and feelings being conveyed onto paper. Occasionally we’ve shared bits and pieces from our journals. Brandy laughs because I’m good for skipping sentences here and there and she takes no offense to it; I love her! Recently, I pulled out a journal from 2002 and shared a piece about the night we brought in my 30^th birthday. I had commented on the way her skirt hiked up while we were eating our “after the club” meal and I quote, “That girl has got some pretty legs.” In this sense it’s been kind of fun to go back and reveal some of the quietly kept thoughts we had about one another back then (and seriously, we really were just friends…ahh, I seem to be getting off track hereJ). Point is, we respect the other’s privacy without question, not only with our journals, but in other aspects as well.

These days there seems to be plenty of gray areas of what falls under what privacy guidelines.  Let’s see, there are e-mail and social networking login and passwords, voice mail passwords, and we cannot forget text messages.  Oh, how the world of texting has created an uproar and discord in relationships. For some, their partner’s unattended cell phone is as enticing as a martini during rehab; you know you shouldn’t, but it’s calling you.

When it comes to contemplating whether or not to invade another’s privacy, I’d think one would question inward versus outward.  What is it within YOU that ignites the curiosity, not what SOMEONE ELSE is doing that prompts the curiosity. I’m sure that statement is left to debate. Many would say that of course privacy invasions are solicited and dependent upon what another may be doing. My argument would be that’s just a blame game for justifying a wrongful action. I’d think a person should ask herself what it is she’s looking for, why she’s looking, and what happens with what she does or does not find. There has to be some obvious (or deep-set) insecurities and trust issues. It’s those issues that manifest into actions like uninvited checking into a partner’s personal space. I guess that opens the door to another question up for debate: what is considered personal space? Are e-mails, texts, and online activities private when in a committed relationship? My answer is yes.

Once upon a time my email accounts were unprotected. Now they’re not. That has nothing to do with Brandy; she’s privy to every password I have if she asked.  Thing is, she doesn’t ask nor does she pry into what we both agree is my space and I don’t pry into hers. The truth is we have shared certain passwords with one another. There have been times when I needed immediate information from Facebook and didn’t have access to get it myself. Because I trust Brandy, I have no qualms with giving her my password because I know she won’t misuse and abuse it. To me, there’s a humongous difference between sharing a password out of necessity, versus sharing it out of pressure or to appease another’s insecurities.

For me and Brandy, we’ve agreed that what’s hers is hers and what’s mine is mine. But not because we have individual secrets we’re keeping, but because we respect and trust the other. This is what works for us. So do share…what are the privacy parameters within your relationship?

©Nikki Rashan, January 2011

Change me...or accept me as I am~

So you love the way she styles her hair, but you wish she would change the color up a little bit. Maybe you admire her style of dress, but you kind of hope she would show more cleavage. Perhaps she has an “unladylike” habit of cracking her knuckles, or a loud laugh you’d like her soften. Whatever your preference may be, you want her to catch on to the subtle suggestions and innuendos you casually throw out to alter the “issue” at hand.

It seems we often enter relationships with the intention to change the person we’ve united with rather than accept her exactly as the person she is.  Or, if we didn’t start with a hidden agenda, it’s interesting how simple insignificant items that “didn’t matter” before commitment can sometimes become that mountain from a molehill when too much energy is put on what we may not like versus focusing on all the positives we do enjoy.

I remember late 2009 Brandy and I spent a weekend in Chicago just after we officially entered a romantic relationship. After an evening out we returned to our room and prepared for bed. And that’s when Brandy put on some of the brightest, striped/plaid-combo pajama bottoms I’ve ever seen.  This wasn’t the first time I had witnessed her choice in bedtime attire; as friends we had traveled together and spent many evenings sleeping in the same room. Oddly though, it was that 2009 night that I first “noticed” those rainbow-colored pajamas.  My thought was, I know she’s not about wear those to bed with me. J So I teased her because I couldn’t help it; cute, though they weren’t my particular choice of nighttime clothing. What I quickly realized was it didn’t matter what Brandy wore to bed as long as she was being true to herself.  Surely I can’t tell her what to wear and further, why would I expect her not to wear her comfy bottoms with me?  (side note: it didn’t take long for me to learn that Brandy has a variety of delightful items she wears to bed so it’s all good ;-))

Now, I do believe there’s a fine line between trying to change our partner to/for our own liking versus making suggestions for what we may think is our partner’s betterment. Example: Let’s say you meet a woman who smokes cigarettes. After you enter a relationship with her, you then request that she stop smoking because you don’t care for the smell. My guess would be that you knew what cigarette smoke smelled like to begin with, yet, still opted to pursue commitment. Surely you can’t expect to change her smoking habit when you already knew she smoked from the start. It's this kind of attempt to change the ways of another that causes frustration and damage within a relationship. Still, on the other hand, if you were to sincerely become concerned about your partner’s health due to smoking, by all means, communicate your feelings and talk about it.

On a lighter side, while we may always have certain preferential “likes” about our partner, we are never to discount her aside from them. My sweet B loves when I wear green eyeliner. But that doesn’t stop me from wearing purple, blue, brown, black or none at all. I know that no matter what, when she looks into my eyes, she loves me the same each and every time whether I’m wearing her favorite or not. She grants me the freedom to experiment and to be me at all times.

Overall, I enjoy that Brandy recommends new ideas I may not have considered before, and that I open new doors for her as well. But do we try to mold one another into anything other than who we are? No, we don’t. Our relationship is and will remain about growth. Of course with that growth there will be individual changes and changes together along the way.  No person and no relationship remains stagnant (at least I hope not!). Changes will arise, whether we love, like, or groan a bit about whatever those changes may be. What we have to remember and continue is to be respectful of all aspects of the other no matter what, just as we are today.

©Nikki Rashan, January 2011

Your Past: to share or not to share?

Nikki and I are fortunate to have spent many years together as close friends. What I admire about our connection is the unconditional love that has always protected us. I believe it helped to cultivate our friendship. As you can imagine we’ve shared stories and witnessed incidents that we might not have otherwise shared. Still, there is no judgment, no fault, and no blame. Respect reigns supreme. Despite experiences and situations of past involvements, what matters most is the essence of her being. Her character- which might I add kept me bonded to her- is all that matters at the end of the day. 

Knowledge of the past is beneficial. In the same breath, I do believe certain discretion should be placed on what is shared with your mate.  Although Nikki and I have gone through so much together, we do not know EVERYTHING.  We ask what we want to know/ need to know and respect whatever the answer may be.  On the flipside, we do not ask things we REALLY don’t want to know. J  You know what I mean… those things that make your damn teeth cringe and ears ring. At least that’s what happens to me, ha-ha! Not that we hold the past against the other, some things are better left dead.  We do not consider this a form of dishonesty or omission. Granted, we are open to ask any and everything. The main component is respecting the answer and knowing our capacity to handle it. We agree that what happened prior to the day we made our relationship official is to a large part, irrelevant; this is what works for us. There is not “black and white” in this topic.  Some relationships work sharing everything and some backfire by sharing everything.  Many of us know couples who have shared every itty, bitty detail of their pasts only to have it thrown back in their faces later. Not cool. Always remember that the present is most important. What may have happened before you is before you.  This isn’t an attempt to hide who you are, it’s an opportunity to share with your partner the person you are now.  Allow your experiences together to shape your tomorrows and not the circumstances of your past. 

We made the decision to be together.  In doing so, we embrace all of who we are to each other, with each other and for each other. I like to think we have grown and we’re still growing.  We are aware that our past helped mold us into the women we are today.  We are grateful for our growing pains/gains because they have made us stronger and better for one another! Our well-being, spirituality, happiness, fears, and children take precedence over everything else. The insignificant details of failed relationships do not take the limelight from our present.  We are our focal point.  Nikki and I joke that we are each other’s first.  Though we laugh, a lot of our experiences together feel like the first time. Our opinions about things/stuff are formed by our present mindset.  We do not allow our past experiences to deter us from current experiences.  We’ve opened our hearts to us.  She and I, me and her, we are in control of our own destiny. 

Who or what will you allow to control yours?

~Brandy Nasha © January 2011

Now or Later? What's your approach?

Nikki:  “Don’t rush me, I’m waiting for the last minute” - Recently I saw this quote on a refrigerator magnet and I had to laugh out loud. If this isn’t one of my silent mottos, I don’t know what is. Not to say I’m proud of my talent in the art of procrastination, but it is a quality I’ve acknowledged, accepted, and have embraced as a part of me. Give me a deadline and sure, I’ll meet it. It very likely will be right at the last few ticks on the clock, however. It’s an old stereotype but yes, I’m one of those people that works best under pressure. When I’m “forced” to do something, I do it. Until then, well… I’ll get back to you on that.

I’m not sure B knew the severity of my procrastination until the last couple of years. There have been quite a few scenarios that I’m sure left her questioning my delayed ways, but one that sticks out is when we were coordinating a party last March. She’d periodically ask me where I was with certain aspects of the planning and putting things together. While I had certainly started the process, in my eyes, there was plenty of time until the actual day of the party to get things done.  What was the rush? That was my perspective though. See, my sweet B is not one to waste time. Give her a task, a mission, or an idea and she’s right on it. If it means enough to her, there isn’t the slightest hesitation to move forward. She’s on it almost before we’ve finished the conversation (I know this because we’ll be on the phone talking and she will have looked something up on the internet and have an answer for me before I’ve even asked the question).

I admire this quality in B. Sometimes I wish I had the “on top of things” attitude that she does. If we have a conversation about a topic that needs to be handled and dealt with, I know without a doubt that if I follow-up with her in a day or two, she will have completed whatever needed to be done. Or at least started the process with the next steps all lined up. It’s an amazing characteristic of hers that I love.

While we may differ in the manner in which we approach our “to-do” lists, our styles are quite complementary. There has been a time or two when B appreciated my “slow down, breathe for a second already” style and there have certainly been occasions when I had to thank her for scooting me off my behind to get something done.  It all comes down to appreciating differences, recognizing their benefits, and learning how to make those differences work together. J

Brandy:  “Ms. On It” is what I’ve been labeled.  As much as I’ve tried to deny the accusation, I must say that I am guilty as charged.   Seemingly there is an “URGENT” sticker as I learn what’s needed, what has to be done and what’s wanted.  My being will not allow me to just sit on something before tackling it.  My meticulousness isn’t for acknowledgement or praise; rather I see it as keeping my plate clean. J  The thought of playing that ‘last minute’ game doesn’t sit well with me.  I like to prepare and map out directions/ instructions and give myself enough time to correct unforeseen problems.   Today, right now, this moment is my deadline. 

Then there’s my wonderful love, Nikki.  Oh how I’ve watched her string along and handle things in her time but on time.  My insides want to explode as she puts things on the back burner until right before it’s due.  I want badly to hurry her along but no, I sit back and respect her way of managing time.  I can recall watching her from the sofa mosey through the house getting ready for work.  I was laying there in and out of consciousness for about an hour or so as Nik paraded back and forth.  So periodically I’d look up and she’s sitting in the chair applying her makeup, checking her email while wrapped in a towel.  I check the clock and its 6:15am.  I’m like okay, she has 30 minutes to finish up.  Gracefully she moves with ZERO urgency so I chuckle to myself not saying a word figuring she doesn’t know the time.  She looks at me, and smiles… I smile back.  The clock now reads 6:30am and I know we have 15 minutes before we have to leave.  Her makeup is now on but still no clothes and her walk is like we’re sight-seeing at the park!  Never have I rushed her because I know she’s well aware of her time constraint.  I keep watching because now I’m amused.  I promise you, when the clock hit 6:45 a.m., my sweetness was ready with keys in hand WAITING FOR ME AT THE DOOR!  I was totally baffled! J

I can’t say procrastination is my choice of handling a to-do list, but I will say my Nik has taught me to take it easy, take my time, and take a moment to think it through before reacting.  I appreciate her delay.  Though she doesn’t jump right on it, she gets it done on time which is all that matters.  We have different approaches but the same outcome; success!  Two styles of reactions, but one style of loving… unconditional.

 

-Nikki Rashan, Brandy Nasha

©January, 2011