My Wife: Rest in Love - Nikki Rashan Jenkins

Yesterday, June 4, 2015 marked one month since Nik’s transition. For the past 18 months Nikki’s care was my life. Everything about her concerned me and I did my very best to address her every need: I fed her. I bathe her. I cried with her. I cried for her. I prayed with her. I prayed for her. I researched what to do and what not to do as a wife/caregiver. I listened to her when she spoke. I listened when she was silent. I spoke life. I spoke love. I attended chemo sessions. I was her guest during hospital stays. I administered medication. These were acts of love that I passionately performed.   

“Nik, I will hold your hand as he reaches for you. I will hold your hand until the end babe. I am doing everything you told me to do with my mom. I am present. I am right here with you love. Feel my hands babe and now you reach for him. I will not let you go. I will hold your hands as you reach for him”. She smiles and I gasp. “I am so proud of you honey. Job well done sweetheart. I love you. Don’t be afraid babe. You go on home.” She smiles again and takes a deep breath. The nurse checks for a heartbeat; it’s faintly there. “She still has more love to give”, the nurse says. Tears fill my eyes as I know the end is near. Seconds later, I don’t recall much after hearing… “11:27, she’s gone.”

I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my supporter, my encourager, my motivator, my wife. As we held hands during the final moments, I spoke love, I spoke peace, I was so proud of the woman who lived a life of truth and of love. What I know for sure is she heard every word exchanged.

I love Nikki with every ounce of my being. I did not take for granted my God appointed assignment; to love her unconditionally. Her desires and needs I happily fulfilled and seeing her smile was my reward. I stood before God, our family, and some of our closest friends and made promises that my heart spoke. After all, her heartbeat was the music of my soul and I felt my love song was complete with her.

Our forever lasted 12 years, 10 months, and 15 days. In that time we cultivated a connection that will surely sustain me for the rest of my life. I experienced a love that has filled my love cup and it will continue to runneth over long after May 4, 2015.

I have not spoken to many people since Nikki’s passing; I simply haven’t the words. How do I speak when the air has been snatched from my lungs? How do I express my feelings when there is a numbness that seems to paralyze my thoughts? How do I know what to do when all of my plans included Nikki? My new normal doesn’t consist of what my normal had been for the past 18 months. So for the last 30 days I’ve cried every day, I’ve lost weight, and I’ve questioned my purpose. Sleep and food had not been high on my priority list. I am holding on to the promise of... all will be well.

However, God is great. My support system is strong and loving. I am learning to accept help, accept love and accept support.  I am surrounded by love and people who are cheering me on.  I could not ask for better people in my corner to love me up during this difficult transition.

Though my heart is broken and I cannot imagine my life without Nikki, I trust God’s plan. I seek his comfort and stand on his word because I know nothing else to do. He gave me Nikki’s love for a long/short while and for that gift I am forever grateful.

To all my friends near and far, thank you for the text messages, inboxes, phone calls, and emails.  I know I haven't responded to many but I am so grateful.  Your thoughts, prayers and comforting words are warmly received.

Obituary:  Celebrating the Life of Nikki Rashan Jenkins