Yesterday I read the status update of a Facebook friend that prompted over 60 responses. The topic was about bisexuality and although I decided not to respond as I tend not to comment on most status messages I read, I definitely had an emotional reaction. The responses to the status varied and created a heated debate and I hope a couple friends of mine don’t mind my extracting pieces from their conversation and creating this blog. I’m doing so because a portion of it hit a certain nerve that I’ve dealt with in the past and occasionally still encounter. A few years back I similarly tackled this topic via a myspace blog after I met a woman who challenged my sexual orientation based on my appearance and assumed I was bisexual, likely straight, but certainly not a lesbian. Reaaalllly irked me. The bothersome pieces of the messages I read yesterday were that if a woman has dated and/or been married to a man in the past and she now engages in relationships with women, that she’s not a “real” lesbian and that she’s bisexual. Hmmm….
I can only speak from my own experience as a woman with that background and when I hear comments such as those I find it personally offensive for anyone other than me to tell me who/what I must be. The Kinsey scale suggests that a person’s sexual past can be labeled by a number, with 0 falling at exclusively heterosexual and a 6 at exclusively homosexual, with many tottering somewhere in between. I’ve engaged in conversations with literally hundreds of women and while they sit in various ranges on the scale, I can say that I, personally, only know one 6. And that’s including some of my wonderful “stud” friends as well. But does that mean that these women are bisexual and not lesbians because they were with men in the past? I don’t believe that to be the case.
Sure, we all know women who swing between relationships with men and women and rather than allowing them to express their freedom to love whomever, we label them confused. And I’ll gladly admit that I’m just now getting a better understanding of women who fall into that arena. Often we do want them to “choose” and when they desert women for men, we shun them. If they leave men for women, we congratulate them for joining our team.
If bisexuality is sincerely the attraction and ability to love a man or a woman, then I can 100% confirm that bisexual I am not just because I was once married and because I have children. If I was sincerely able to love a man the way I love women (Brandy ;-)), I would have stayed married without question. Saved myself, my daughters, and their father the turmoil that surrounded my choice to disrupt my family to live what is true to me. It’s an unfair statement to suggest that I’m bisexual (again, based upon a few comments I read) when my heart and my being know otherwise. So I’m not a full-fledged 6; no problem, I can live with that. Do I have an attraction toward men? Nope. Do I foresee the possibility of being with one in the future? No, I don’t.
My walk to this wonderful place I’m in now was not easy. As a matter of fact, for a couple of years I tried to convince myself that I was bisexual. These were years of guilt, hurt, depression and suicidal tendencies, all in coming to terms with my truth as a lesbian. If I were bisexual that wouldn’t have been the case; I believe I would have had the capacity to live the “American dream” others saw for me and I, too, thought I could live as well. But that wasn’t me.
We welcome your thoughts/perspective….
©Nikki Rashan, March 2011
Well said ... no room for comment u said how I feel re this and many statements
ReplyDeleteWow Nik, you said that. I agree and much like Cheri Berri feel you've SAID IT ALL!
ReplyDeleteAmen!! Shine the light!!! smile
ReplyDeleteI never like to post comments regarding this subject, but I felt the need to add my comments. I totally agree with you Nikki. Who gives a person the right to determine if I am gay or not. I think as females growing up we have all had some type of experience with the opposite sex. I think that experience is what helped us determine our future releationships. I dated a guy all through college, but I always felt a disconnect with him. At the age of 25, I felt the pain and turmoil of coming to the realization that I loved different. I'm not sure of where I fall on Kinsey scale, but I know in how I love that person that looks just like me I'm not bisexual. Two thumbs up for you Nikki and Brandy. Keep the topics coming!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate this topic. A lot of us have gone through the struggle you've mentioned and I completely agree that no can define who we are. Much continued peace, joy & great topics.
ReplyDeleteHmm... How gay am I? Interesting question considering I didn't come to terms with my "Gayness" until I turned 30. Ten years later I haven't looked backed. Raised in a strict religious home with a minister father, I knew I was going to HELL if left up to the Bible touting ministers. So for years I use to say I was "Bisexual". Sadly, it was to appease my parents, "friends", and society as a whole. When I would date men, all I would think about is "Why in the world am I out with this clown? or "Damn, that woman over there is FINE!". Once I got comfortable with myself and who I was, the word Bisexual never parted my lips again. No, I'm not a rainbow flag carrying extremists, but I am a person who is proud to be a LESBIAN and really don't care who knows or what they think. Nice post Nikki and Brandy. Keep them coming.
ReplyDeleteWhen women leave us for men, we speak ill. When they leave men for US, we praise them. There is so much truth in that. I think it is one of the biggest concerns I have had when it came to dating women who labeled themselves as bisexual. Basing their score on no scale, I had such unpromising experiences with these women that I eventually took on the attitude that bisexual women are only in it for the fun in being with another woman, never truly following the seriousness behind the type of courtship that might be taking place. Labels are for packaged chicken, marked down clothing, and showing which detergent is for whites or colors. I do not like labels nor do I use them. Alot of people do because its the colorful shapely play time blocks that help an individual decide which goes here and which goes there, little do they realize it is unnecessary. I feel like we go through life not truly knowing who we are until we meet that person in the mirror for the first time at 25 or 35 or even 45 years of age. Because for everyone-- it is different. So when someone uses the term bisexual in order to fit in somewhere, or to place someone else in a certain category, I guess that works for them. When I first came out I told my mother, I told her I was a lesbian. I even spelled it for her. (probably a bad move when your feeling so empowered because you feel like you've figured out 'who you are.') At that time I used a label, because my mother only knew gay or straight. And believe me, telling your mother 'I am who I am' doesn't roll over well, when you say you love women. So for those who just do not fully understand, there are those play time blocks to guide them into some form of understanding. Though I think no labels at all is the best way to live. I always say, if we were all blind, we would not ask so many questions, have so many concerns, and leave wondering with so many thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI feel honored to be able to read about your journey of discovery. The layers pulled back, exposing the difficulty of your journey is endearing to say the least, and courageous. I admire your bravado in sharing the who of you, and I appreciate that both you and your fiancee are willing to allows us "voyeurs" a peek into your love story and how you arrived at this place of destiny.
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