Finding love and Keeping it

This is a blog I posted on my blog, Les’ Talk About It, December, 2010. It’s been a minute since we’ve posted a blog so I thought to share this one with you all. :)   Enjoy!
 

Our Wedding, Our Love

Brandy
July 14, 2012 at 6pm E.S.T. in San Juan, Puerto Rico on the rooftop of Oceano, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, marks the date, time, and place of our wedding.  With “Truly” instrumental playing softly in the background, each of our girls walked down the aisle and stood in their respective places.  After them, I followed.  As cool and collected as I can sometimes be, on this day…nope, I wasn’t.  Water filled my eyes even as I walked down the aisle.  I chanted to myself “just make it next to Bri; just make it to the front.”  My eyes caught glimpses of our guests smiling brightly with glassy eyes as I swiftly walked. It was my full intention to walk a little slow, but you know, I was nervous. J  I situated myself on the right side, took a deep breath, and waited for the love of my life to join me.  As the melodycontinued to play, Nikki appeared gracefully as if she was floating. She walked down the aisle wearing a loving smile looking absolutely breathtaking. I blinked a million times a minute trying hard not to let my tears to fall.  My face started to hurt from smiling so big.  I’d look down - then up - then down again realizing the time had arrived.  The moment had taken over my emotions and I felt overwhelmed with joy. 

From head to toe I felt an energy inside that I cannot describe. With prayers read and love expressed from the Officiant he then said, “Nikki and Brandy have written personal vows, Brandy, you first.”  My heart began to beat a mile a minute.  Briana handed me my vows, I opened them and at the sight of the first word, I had to take a minute to regain my composure. I couldn’t find my voice and furthermore, the tear gates were slowly opening.   Deep breaths in and slowly exhaling, I looked into the faces of Courtney, Jasmine and our friend Tami.  “You got this B,” I heard Tami say.  With another deep breath I looked at the woman whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  It was at the moment I found the strength to recite my vows.   As I began to read them I don’t believe I saw anyone or anything else except Nikki.  I couldn’t hear my words but rather I felt something on the inside that was so wonderful.  What I saw was all of my tomorrows with my best friend, our children, and supportive family and friends.  What I felt was a sense of completion; as if my scale was now balanced.   

Now it was Nikki’s turn.  I’ve felt the love from Nikki for years as her “dear sweet Brandy” and partner.  I must say, when she read her vows I had to breathe through my mouth and keep it a little open so that the ugly cry wouldn’t look too bad on the photos… haha!  In less than a minute of dedicating her love to me she also validated our relationship.  Her words were absolutely beautiful.  They were the perfect song, on a perfect day, recited in the perfect tone, to the melody of my heart strings being plucked.  Never have I heard anything so beautiful. 

The Legalities

Joining my life with Nikki’s has been wonderful.  Though we’ve lived together for over a year, affirming our love in the company of family and friends made me feel a greater love.  My love isn’t dictated by what the federal or state laws consider legal.  Whom God has blessed me with is the person I have married and given my complete being .  Do I wish it was legal?  Sure I do for reasons regarding healthcare, insurances, taxes, benefits, etc…  Because our union isn’t yet recognized by our state, does it lessen the validity of our love?  It sure doesn’t.  This love is real love, honest love, forever love.  Our focus is on our future and our children.  The laws we will leave up to legislation.

What we know to be true is…We were married July 14, 2012, regardless of who recognizes it or not. J

Nikki
As many of you know, Brandy and I recently affirmed our love and commitment to one another with a ceremony in San Juan, Puerto Rico. After an 18-month engagement, we were so ready for our special day to manifest. We chose 7.14.12 as our wedding date, as it marked ten years from the day we met.

We had been in San Juan a few days before the day of the wedding. I woke that morning calm, yet excited. I knew that by sunset that evening we would have exchanged our vows, which had been causing us both the most pressure, and finally we’d be able to exhale a bit. We moved throughout our day smooth and normal, though a few details I can't even remember, like what we had for breakfast or lunch. There were a few last minute adjustments to tend to, but thanks to supportive guests and our helpful planner, all moved forward gracefully.

It wasn’t until after my hair and make-up were done and I slid into my dress that I started to sweat. Literally. It was hot! I also began to wonder, is everyone here? Will the music flow properly? Are our girls okay? Will the rain hold off? Will Brandy faint? (She’s going to get me for that ;)) Sari, our planner, had me step aside and take a brief moment in front of a humongous fan. The air cooled my skin. Breathe, she told me… I relaxed again.

Up two flights of stairs to the rooftop, our guests awaited the start of the ceremony. Our girls entered first, Briana, Jasmine and then Courtney. Brandy, who I must say was simply STUNNING, walked next, and then me. In less than thirty seconds after meeting Brandy “at the altar,” I was ready to break down into happy tears. Thank goodness Reverend Guzman asked that we bow our heads in prayer. I took that moment to gather my composure, thank God for the moment, and re-open my eyes to the beauty all around me.

My cousin Shenay read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 and our girls read the poem, The Key to Love.  Although my eyes were solely focused on Brandy as she read her vows to me, I’m pretty confident I wasn’t the only person shedding tears (now having watched the video I’ve since learned that fighting “against” a cry can create the same twisted expressions as a full-blown ugly cry…I think I kept it together somewhat successfully). I have to say that it was an honor to share my vows with Brandy, which I wrote, edited, and wrote again (x3). Those who know me are aware that I take the word “promise” way too seriously, both giving and receiving a promise. I’ve had many conversations with people about this, most who have given me the side-eye and question if I fear commitment. The answer is absolutely not! What I fear is a lie and that’s what a broken promise is to me. Promise me something and my heart holds on to it. Not to say I can’t handle disappointment, disappointment and I have met on many occasions. I’m wise enough to understand that “things happen” and sometimes quests are left unfinished. But a broken promise? Ugh. For me it cuts differently.  In the same respect, because of the importance of those two words, you better believe that if I make a promise, trust that I’ll hold true to my word. Call me hypersensitive about it, I know. ;-) My point is, writing and then speaking the promise of forever love to Brandy was easy. It came natural and there’s no other word I could even choose to replace the sincere dedication I have in my heart to cherish and hold on to the love we have and will continue to build upon. To her I give this promise.

©Brandy Nasha & Nikki Rashan

Too Soon but Right on Time

“I believe that the people you care about the most in life are taken away from you way too soon.”  

I read this quote off of a sign in Jimmy John’s.  After reading it my heart seemed heavy as I began to think of my loved ones whom I lost too soon; Uncle Carl  in ‘02, my younger brother Jearld  in ‘03, my father in ’11, and my grand-mother ‘12. 

In my human mind as a niece, sister, daughter, and grand-daughter, I was angry and hurt. I felt cheated of time.  The thought of their physical presence absent from my tomorrows hurt beyond measure.   Yes I had memories but I wanted them… to see their faces, to hear their laughter, and to simply have them here to experience more life with. 

As a child of God who understands He makes no mistakes am thankful for their presence in my life and for the years we shared.  As I began to thank God with tears streaming down my face for the lessons learned and wisdom shared with my loved ones, it was then I felt abundantly blessed.  As I hurt for my losses but focused on all I was given while they were here, gave me a sense of peace and comfort.  I realized all my tomorrows would be filled with each of them because so much of who I am and what I am has been shaped by their love. 

Each person departed my life as I transitioned into a new phase in my life.  I look back now and I say, “Thank you Uncle Carl for helping me to choose me and my happiness.  Jearld, thank you for teaching me to love unconditionally and learn so much about myself.  Dad, what can I say? I loved you simply because of who you were to me.  Grandma, your wisdom, your love, and your nurturing will follow me for the rest of my life.  Thank you for love, life and laughter.”

 “I believe that the people you care about the most are taken away from you when they’ve served their purpose in your life.  I am thankful for the experience.” ~Bnasha

This is a quote that comes to mind as I think of God’s grace and mercy. 

Without a doubt I still cry, my heart still pains at their absence, but when I’m done… I am able to reminisce in laughter and heartfelt memories that will forever guide me.

~Nikki, I thank you for your patience, support, comfort, and love.  Again, God placed us together under one roof at the perfect time.  You’ve been there from ’02 until now and I am grateful for your understanding, strength and love.  I appreciate you more than you know. ~

©BNasha March, 2012

Am I Closeted?

Today I purchased a yummy white chocolate mocha from the friendly Starbucks guy at work. We chat every time I indulge in this yummy treat, usually about movies, but today’s conversation took a slight, very innocent turn to the personal. While in the store I scooped up some flavored pretzels for Brandy and he joked about my mocha/pretzel combination (it would have been very gross; hot buffalo wing flavored pretzels with a white chocolate mocha equals bellyache!). I replied that the pretzels weren’t for me. He asked who were they for, the kids at home? I replied that they were not. He seemed confused, and questioned who they were for if not for me or the kids. I told him they were for my other loved one at home. So then he actually asked about my household---is it me, kids & a hubby? I answered no. He replied, “It’s not like that?” and I simply said no. With a smile of course. J The burning question I had inside was the same as every time I encounter this situation—why do I not tell the person I’m speaking to that I’m engaged to a woman? That the love of my life is of the same sex? Instead I dance right over the topic and leave them guessing. Or confused. Or perhaps wondering if I’m harping some deep, dark secret about who I’m involved with.

I’ve bumped into this situation many times. Back in ’06 I interviewed with a woman at Harpo Studios and she asked me if I was out. I responded quickly, “Oh yes, absolutely!” She smiled and asked if that meant all my co-workers knew that I’m gay. I frowned and replied, “Oh no, I don’t talk to them about that.” Not all of them at least. Of course she was perplexed. How was I out but hadn’t told most of my co-workers about my sexual identity? I also remember one of my flights to Atlanta early last year and the oh so sweet woman on the plane next to me asked if I left my husband at home while I visited Atlanta. I responded with a super swift “No.” She pointed to my ring and just like the Starbucks guy, questioned my denial. I smiled and changed the subject. Sometimes I wonder if this is a cowardly move on my part—do I fear judgment from these strangers? Really, why is it that I choose to keep this exciting relationship from the person to whom I’m talking? It’s a difficult line to cross when determining what facets of my life to share. I know I’m not closeted, right? Certainly I wouldn’t be writing this blog on the internet for all to see if I were.

It’s taken me awhile to realize that this isn’t about being closeted or being out. For me it comes down to privacy; I am and always have been an extremely private person. If on a Monday morning someone I don’t know well asked what I did over the weekend, my response is likely to be just as short and vague as if they had asked who I’m marrying this upcoming July. I simply don’t share details, even minor ones, with just any and every one and I’ve always been this way. Yet still I’m internally bothered each time I avoid sharing details about Brandy and our love. I wonder if I’m not taking advantage of a moment to educate someone on same-sex relationships. Maybe sharing this piece of knowledge about myself could promote positive awareness about same sex commitments. Perhaps it’s my duty and responsibility to be open with all I encounter. However, I realize that in being open there’s a potential flip side that could lead to conversations about religion, sin, and possible criticism about same sex love and those conversations I choose wisely (and rarely) at this point in my life.

I’m quite curious how others handle this situation. If you don’t consider yourself a closeted person, how do you handle innocent inquiries and questions about your same sex significant other? Are you open and free, willing to share details about your same sex commitment with any one? Or are you guarded and private about your relationship?

©Nikki Rashan, January 2012