As I close out the end of 2010 and reflect on the past decade plus – the ups, downs, challenges, lessons, and growth – I realize that I am engaged in my fourth long distance relationship (plus a few faraway “likes”) in the last ten years. Before I go any further, let me quickly clarify that my current relationship is the last long distance relationship in which I’ll participate; what I have now is unbreakable, unshakeable and untouchable. These are the last frequent flyer miles I’ll rack up. J
Still, the more I thought about it, I found myself curious as to why I’ve chosen to spend most of my thirties involved with those from afar. I felt a little self-analyzing was warranted. First, I had to nix the idea that deep inside my subconscious I actually fear commitment, and therefore, choose individuals with whom there is little in person contact. Or, I’m such an introvert that I prefer to spend most of my time alone (but is that possible with teenage twins and a dog?). I’d say that there are no good women to date in my city; however, according to a past issue of former lesbian magazine, Girlfriends, Milwaukee was voted the #1 place to meet a woman. Really?
Regardless of the reasoning (btw: I love commitment, I do like people, and I’m sure Brew City has great women), I now consider myself somewhat savvy in this area and thought I’d share a few pointers on how to make these relationships last. Now, you may ask just how worthy these pointers are considering I’m on LDR number four. Let’s just roll with some clichés. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Practice makes perfect. Saved the best for last. J Here are a few of my own personal tips that seem to be of benefit in maintaining the spark and commitment within a long distance companionship.
Flirt: When we first meet someone, one of the initial early attractions and intriguing elements is the fun in flirting with one another. Flirting within a relationship helps maintain that “getting to know you” spark that’s so enticing in the beginning, but sometimes lost once we settle into a relationship. When apart, send sexy text messages to one another. I’ve joked with a couple of friends that if my and Brandy’s text messages were ever made public, whoa, we might be in trouble! We can never tell our partner too many times how much we adore her eyes. Or her lips. Take a moment to reminisce about a great time you had together. Revisiting moments you’ve shared, or sharing all you “plan to do” when together is a spicy way to keep the romance alive in between visits. Write letters, send songs, cards, emails and texts…do whatever it takes to keep your imaginations active and the creativity alive.
Communicate: Communicate, communicate, communicate! I could probably leave it at that, except it wouldn’t be clear communication. Because the parties in a long distance relationship are not able to physically see one another throughout the day, it may not be possible to pick up on the other’s silent energy. We can’t tell by her expression if she’s upset, or saddened, or irritated. We’re also unable to see expressions of love and excitement. Therefore, talking…talking…and more talking is essential to maintaining an open dialogue and understanding about how each person is feeling.
Trust: Trust within any relationship is exceptionally important. We all want to choose a partner that we have faith in to remain loyal and committed to the partnership. There must be an especially powerful sense of trust within a long distance relationship. It’s imperative to not only trust your partner, but to remain worthy of and loyal to the trust that is given. Sure, time apart is hard. However, if even the possibility of deception or disloyalty creeps in, don’t blame it on distance. Check yourself and work within to work it out. Honor the trust you’ve been given.
If Money Is Tight (when the dollar doesn’t stretch as far as the miles): When nights are long and perhaps weeks have already gone by, it can be extra frustrating if funds to travel aren’t available. But, do not be discouraged! Talk about it and put your heads (and maybe dollars) together to come up with a plan for the next visit. Check for the best airfare deals (I’m a particular fan of AirTran; B and I rarely spend more than $150 round trip for a ticket). And while it’s wonderful to spend time out and about when you’re actually together, some visits may not allow for leisurely spending. At times it may be more conducive to stay in and cook meals versus checking out a new restaurant. Or perhaps the necessary option is to cuddle in bed with a rented movie instead of going out to catch the latest blockbuster. Remember that time TOGETHER is what counts the most.
Maximize Time Spent Together: When together, every minute is valuable and is to be cherished. Be sure to create special memories. If you’re indoors, slow dance to a favorite song. Try a new cookie recipe. Play board games or video games. Read to one another. Bring excitement to the bedroom (or whatever room ;-)). If you venture out, go for a bike ride. Take a walk through the park. Get dressed up and treat yourselves to a dinner and live music. Brandy and I have a pact that when we’re together, we always do something new. Whether it’s spontaneous or something we’ve planned, we make the time to do something fresh and something we both love.
When the Going Gets Rough: Time apart from the one you love is a great challenge. Some days a phone call, email or text message won’t feel like enough. Often there’s nothing more you want than a simple hug, and with a big sigh comes the realization that it’s just not going to happen. These moments can cause frustration and aggravation that if not handled properly, can create emotional distance that’s deeper and further than the miles that separate you. So be sure to acknowledge your feelings…share them. Be honest. Be open. Be patient. With the support of your partner, know that the moment of irritation will pass. Because it will.
Remember Why: Whether you met while living in two different cities or one of you had to relocate, remember why you came together in the beginning. Maybe it all began with a flirtatious wink across the dance floor, a love connection via the internet, or a companionship brought together by a blind date. No matter the “how,” don’t lose focus on why you committed to the relationship and the distance in the first place. It all boils down to the fact that you fell in love. And between us, that’s all the “why” you need.
Happy travels, happy visits, and happy love to you.
-Nikki Rashan
©December, 2010
