120 days: Rest In Love

Sweetheart... It's been 4 months since I held your hand in mine and life as we knew it forever changed. You are missed deeply. So many emotions I could express but I'm sure you know all of them; all of mine and of your beautiful daughters. You are forever in our hearts.

CREATE LOVE!: SHARE YOUR LOVE: Happy Couple Highlight VIII

CREATE LOVE!: SHARE YOUR LOVE: Happy Couple Highlight VIII: HAPPY COUPLE HIGHLIGHT Beautiful Couple : Nikki Rashan and Brandy Jenkins How long have you been together? We have been friends for ...

July 14th: It's Our Anniversary (2015)

Through my tears, my heartache, my sadness, and my loneliness... Lord still do I trust you.

I thank God for blessing me with your love; so pure, so genuine, and so fulfilling. I feel you even in your physical absence. Nikki Rashan Jenkins, thank you for believing in our love; For trusting in our destiny and for giving me all of you. Our meeting wasn't by chance. We were hand picked by our God because we were exactly what one another needed. For all that you've been to me; thank you. For all that you helped me through; thank you. For being my friend, my wife, my ambassador, and the love of my life; thank you.

You evoked lyrics to my heartbeat. A love song was created by our Union which I hear within my spirit. Your song, our song will forever live within me. My soul dances in remembrance of our yesterdays. Today I will cover myself in your scent and breathe you in deeply throughout my day.

I miss you. I love you. Our love has no end...

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart.

Your Honey B ❤️

60 day check-in

June 20, 2015, in Milwaukee WI, Nikki's ashes were placed at its resting place in an intimate ceremony amongst family. We shared our final farewells to a Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, and Friend who was loved by many. Enclosed is a photo of her memorial stone and urn. As you can see, Nikki's ashes rest within her final book...❤️

What time has revealed is how unimaginably painful it is to rise with the sun and retire with the moon, alone. My everyday had consisted of a kiss in the morning before work and Nikki saying, "See you later honey. Have a good day." Mid-day text messages, and my after work commute telephone conversation asking what she'd like for dinner and catching up on the happenings of our day. As I walked into the house I greeted her wherever she was then loved up on her up with hugs and kisses as if we hadn't spoken all day. I miss that. I miss her. 

Am I angry? Sometimes. Am I hurt? Absolutely. Am I hopeful? Yes. Do I believe? Yes, with all of my heart and soul.

What I know is I must "get up" every single day in order for God to help me get through. The bible states in 2 Corinthians 4:9 "We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going." So on the 61st day I will rise again with the sun thanking God for blessing me with another day and telling him how I look forward to the amazing experiences he has for me. Then I turn over, pick up Nikki's picture from the nightstand (her favorite photo of us below), hold it close close to my heart, share the words from my heart, and kiss her good morning. As I retire with the moon, I Thank God again for his many blessings and comfort, kiss Nik goodnight then repeat this when the sun rises again; if it's God's will. 

Our souls connected the day we met and courted until we chose to be "more than friends". Though her physical presence has graduated to the perfect realm, my soul will remain connected to her. A love so genuine and so pure, that was destined to be does not end...

I cannot go without mentioning my amazing family/friends who have loved up on me non-stop. The last few years have not been kind due to the loss of my dad, mom, grandma and now Nikki. For listening, supporting, loving, guiding, and not leaving me alone; THANK YOU from the depths of my heart. God has blessed me with some wonderful people in my life. 

The prayers of family and friends are surely working in my favor. Thank you ALL for your text, emails and calls. I know I'm non-responsive most of the time and I apologize for that. I'm still not quite communicative; please keep praying for me.

May you all have a safe holiday weekend with your families and friends. 

LAP Atlanta 2010

My Wife: Rest in Love - Nikki Rashan Jenkins

Yesterday, June 4, 2015 marked one month since Nik’s transition. For the past 18 months Nikki’s care was my life. Everything about her concerned me and I did my very best to address her every need: I fed her. I bathe her. I cried with her. I cried for her. I prayed with her. I prayed for her. I researched what to do and what not to do as a wife/caregiver. I listened to her when she spoke. I listened when she was silent. I spoke life. I spoke love. I attended chemo sessions. I was her guest during hospital stays. I administered medication. These were acts of love that I passionately performed.   

“Nik, I will hold your hand as he reaches for you. I will hold your hand until the end babe. I am doing everything you told me to do with my mom. I am present. I am right here with you love. Feel my hands babe and now you reach for him. I will not let you go. I will hold your hands as you reach for him”. She smiles and I gasp. “I am so proud of you honey. Job well done sweetheart. I love you. Don’t be afraid babe. You go on home.” She smiles again and takes a deep breath. The nurse checks for a heartbeat; it’s faintly there. “She still has more love to give”, the nurse says. Tears fill my eyes as I know the end is near. Seconds later, I don’t recall much after hearing… “11:27, she’s gone.”

I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my supporter, my encourager, my motivator, my wife. As we held hands during the final moments, I spoke love, I spoke peace, I was so proud of the woman who lived a life of truth and of love. What I know for sure is she heard every word exchanged.

I love Nikki with every ounce of my being. I did not take for granted my God appointed assignment; to love her unconditionally. Her desires and needs I happily fulfilled and seeing her smile was my reward. I stood before God, our family, and some of our closest friends and made promises that my heart spoke. After all, her heartbeat was the music of my soul and I felt my love song was complete with her.

Our forever lasted 12 years, 10 months, and 15 days. In that time we cultivated a connection that will surely sustain me for the rest of my life. I experienced a love that has filled my love cup and it will continue to runneth over long after May 4, 2015.

I have not spoken to many people since Nikki’s passing; I simply haven’t the words. How do I speak when the air has been snatched from my lungs? How do I express my feelings when there is a numbness that seems to paralyze my thoughts? How do I know what to do when all of my plans included Nikki? My new normal doesn’t consist of what my normal had been for the past 18 months. So for the last 30 days I’ve cried every day, I’ve lost weight, and I’ve questioned my purpose. Sleep and food had not been high on my priority list. I am holding on to the promise of... all will be well.

However, God is great. My support system is strong and loving. I am learning to accept help, accept love and accept support.  I am surrounded by love and people who are cheering me on.  I could not ask for better people in my corner to love me up during this difficult transition.

Though my heart is broken and I cannot imagine my life without Nikki, I trust God’s plan. I seek his comfort and stand on his word because I know nothing else to do. He gave me Nikki’s love for a long/short while and for that gift I am forever grateful.

To all my friends near and far, thank you for the text messages, inboxes, phone calls, and emails.  I know I haven't responded to many but I am so grateful.  Your thoughts, prayers and comforting words are warmly received.

Obituary:  Celebrating the Life of Nikki Rashan Jenkins

Pray or Worry, Don't Do Both~N&B update~:-)

I've been thinking about this blog for quite some time, unsure which angle of this cancer journey I wanted to focus on for this entry. There's been a lot that’s happened since the last blog posted January of 2014 (yikes, sorry about the delay!) I've noted certain events via Facebook posts, but those statuses captured only a fraction of this experience. There's just—SO MUCH—from emotional swings, to physical changes, to how this has affected those I love. It's a journey I wish on no one, yet at the same time there have been some positives that I wouldn't change for anything.

Summary Update: I was diagnosed with breast cancer on October 1, 2013. It came only four months after our move to California. It's crazy to think about how that year changed in so many ways. Brandy’s mom died of cancer in December 2012, so when 2013 began, the pain was still fresh. By March, however, we were healing and seeking change. We decided to uproot and move west; we hit the road a few months later and California became our new home on June 4, 2013. As you see, we hadn't been in California long before the fresh start we had dreamed about came crashing down around us. Neither of us would have known that by the end of 2013 I'd be in chemo fighting my own cancer battle.

I wrapped up 16 rounds of chemo on April 15^th of last year. Can you say ecstatic? I was genuinely filled with an abundance of joy. My hair and eyebrows and lashes slowly started to grow back and I regained some energy too (chemo is ridiculously draining…sometimes a trip to the kitchen and back is overwhelming). On May 27^th I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction (placement of tissue expanders) and removal of all lymph nodes under my right armpit; this was because I had a positive node at diagnosis and my surgeon and I agreed to remove them all. After surgery I was feeling great! Everything seemed to be on track. The pathology report indicated no metastasis and my surgeon assured me that all of the cancer had been removed. We even took out my port, which is a small device implanted under my skin just beneath my clavicle. The port is where chemo is administered.
On July 7^th we swapped the expanders for the implants. Again, all went smoothly and I healed wonderfully. Next stop: radiation. I simply did not want to do it. I battled this decision over and over and finally resigned to having it as an added precaution to prevent future recurrence. Radiation began July 28^th. It was every morning for five weeks, 25 rounds total. Well, I now have to backtrack…

Just before radiation began, I noticed a small bump in the bend of my right arm. I didn't concern myself with it. With all I had been through and being aware of potential issues I could have with my right arm, I cast any concern aside. Well a second one popped up a couple weeks later. Then a third and fourth, all in random areas of my upper body. I reached out to my primary doctor and was told to see my oncologist. I was in my second to last week of radiation when I met with an oncologist after radiation. It was then that I knew. He didn't say anything other than the lumps needed a biopsy. But it was the look on his face…I read the results in his bleak expression. I hadn't made it out of the building before bursting in tears. I cried a lot that day. The following week I had the biopsy and on the afternoon of Friday August 29^th, shortly after completing my final round of radiation that morning, I learned that the lumps (subcutaneous nodules) were cancerous. Talk about a blow….I was devastated. I had finally reached what was the end of the journey only to learn it was starting all over again. I used a lot of Kleenex in the doctor’s office that day. The following Friday, after two scans, I learned the cancer had spread to my liver and chemo needed to resume ASAP; I started again after the weekend. The drugs were new to me, quite powerful, and had me on my behind for days. I experienced nausea and vomiting and pounds dropped quickly; by the end of September I was 25 pounds lighter than when I began the journey a year before. In November, after follow up scans, I was told my liver was “looking great” but it seemed the cancer had found its way to a small portion of bone also. My body adjusted to the new chemo, as well as the bone strengthening treatments I started in November, and by end of December, I was handling it much better. And then the New Year…

The first weekend in January I started experiencing excruciating pain on my right side and down my right arm. There was a large, tight lump on my side, under my armpit that I described as a cramped muscle that wouldn't relax. Suddenly, I was unable to move my arm, flip my hand, nor sleep properly. After several days I went to the ER. To wrap up this part of the story, I had two surgeries during my eight day stay; my doctors needed to be sure there was no infection and particularly, no cancer. My plastic surgeon removed my right implant, cleaned the area and placed it back in. Well, the pain didn't subside so several days later I was back in the OR to remove the implant for good. Oh talk about putting on a brave face. I had no idea that was the beginning of a month long depression.

I had handled most of my cancer journey in stride, but the loss of my breast, leaving me with just one, was much harder than I anticipated. It hurt my feelings deeply, and had me questioning why I was striving so hard to get well when it seemed I only faced setback after setback. I had truly reached the point of giving up. The medication I was prescribed by four different doctors temporarily helped ease my emotional pain. The last couple weeks of January are a blur; honestly, I barely remember them.  I was under the influence of three pain relievers, Valium, and muscle relaxers. I took all of them daily, more than once each. My oncologist refused to refill the meds that she hadn't prescribed and even though I argued her at the time, I’m grateful for that. I was forced to accept the disappointments with a clear mind. And still, I cried every single day.

I was praying more than ever. Those around me continued to pray and it seemed contagious as even more people I don't know emailed and contacted me with prayers as well. I cannot tell you how thankful I am that God placed my need for prayer on the hearts of so many. I needed it and it brought me through the darkness in which I had begun to spiral so quickly.

My sister arrived mid-February and stayed for a week and a half. Because I'm not working, most days I'm home alone with idle time. If that time is not used properly, that means an idle brain as well. We all know what an idle brain can do and that’s create havoc in the mind with incessant, wandering thoughts. Her visit was a blessing. She got me out of the house, even if just to go for a walk. If we didn't get out, we stayed in and talked. We read scripture. She prayed over me. She kept me busy and uplifted and I needed that. It prevented me from sitting alone dwelling on my mortality. Although I have purposely avoided reading about the average prognosis for women in my situation, I'm aware and trust me, it's murder on the brain if allowed.

The journey continues… As of right now, my oncologist is making treatment decisions visit by visit. I've reached a new place in this journey, though. It was only last week that I had the courage to pray the scariest prayer of my life. While I pray for and believe in healing miracles, I had to surrender it ALL to God. It was the only way to find the peace I had been craving. My life is in His hands. I'd love to believe I've only lived half my years and will live another 42. But whatever His will is, I accept it. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop praying for healing, because oh yes, I will be. ;-) It simply means I've put all my trust in Him. I can move forward day by day with a peace I didn’t have before. You know the saying: pray or worry, don’t do both (first time I heard that it was during a 50 Cent interview with Oprah; thank you 50!). So, onward and forward with no worries!

I can't end this blog without thanking Brandy for her continued strength and courage throughout this process. With all that she's endured over the last several years regarding close losses, she has managed to maintain the caregiver role with passion. Over the past year and a half she’s given me well over one hundred shots, bathed me when I was unable to do so myself, cooked and cleaned and made sure all of my needs were met. We've cried together and prayed together; we've prayed together and prayed alone. The level of intimacy we've developed is like nothing I could have imagined. Our connection and bond is unbreakable.

This blog isn’t written to sadden anyone, but instead I pray it’s encouraging in some way. I find refuge in blogs and books written by women who have gone through this journey. If sharing my experience can benefit someone else, I’m happy to share. J My mindset right now is to absorb each day with whatever it brings. If it’s a quiet day at home, that’s fine, I have books to read, music to dance to and loved ones around me. If I’m out and about soaking up California sunshine, even better. If it’s day for treatment, all right, the treatment is only helping to rid muy body of these busybody cells. Life goes on…I look forward to a trip home in May. I look forward to celebrating Brandy’s birthday in Hawaii this summer. I look forward to whatever is next because I trust and believe that it’s all for my good.

 ©Nikki Rashan March 2015

Updates! California-Cancer-Chemo...

Even though I received a “talking to” back in September about the infrequent N&B blogs over past year, I still went ahead and let three months pass since the last blog (I say ‘I’ vs ‘we’ because it was my turn to write next).  I’m not going to be hard on myself and I’ve already given myself a pass for the delay. ;-)

For this blog, I figured I’d provide an update of my breast cancer journey since the diagnosis on 10/1/13.  (Brandy wrote about it in the October blog). Hmm, weird, I’m almost unsure where to start—I could write pages upon pages but I’ll provide a shortened summary for now.

After the diagnosis, I met with a team of several doctors to determine my treatment plan. Due to the size of the tumors and spreading of one, they all felt it best I enter chemo first to shrink the masses, with surgery later. I had my first chemo treatment on 10/28, starting with a combination of two drugs (A/C for short). There were many side effects to look out for, and four that affected me most were fatigue, nausea, blackened fingernails and of course, hair loss. My hair started shedding 11 days after the treatment; I was counting. My scalp also burned continuously—like that feeling when a relaxer has been left on too long. Imagine that sensation all day; not cool. It became unbearable so me, Brandy and my daughter Jasmine cut it low a few days later (instant relief!). Shortly after, the remaining hair started to look patchy from continued loss so we finally took it all the way down to bald where it remains today. Surprisingly, I wasn’t that shocked when I saw myself bald for the first time. Well, I take that back; I was shocked that my head wasn’t as big as I thought it was. ;-)  I condition my scalp daily in the shower to keep it healthy. J

I had four treatments of A/C, with the recovery time taking longer with each one. By the time I had my last on Christmas Eve, I was miserable. The upbeat, “I got this”, “oh happy day” feelings I tried to maintain were dissipating and I found myself getting more and more anxious for this entire experience to be over. Tears began to flow without warning (they still do), but for the most part, my days are positive.

I’ve moved on to weekly treatments of the third and last drug (Taxol). Three treatments in (out of twelve) and so far, it’s way less taxing on my body. No nausea, hallelujah. I’m not sleeping several days in a row after treatment as with the A/C, but instead I’m up the next morning and able to do my thing. Fatigue remains—if I run up and down the stairs once, it feels more like I ran up and down ten times.

Right now the most important issue for me is maintaining a healthy white blood cell count (WBC) so I can wrap this chemo up. I’ve missed a few treatments because my WBC was too low and chemo cannot be administered with a low count. To help maintain a good count, I’ve been prescribed shots of either Neupogen or Neulasta to boost WBC numbers. My dear Brandy, the BEST caregiver ever, injects the shots for me, usually in my stomach or thighs. Side effect of the shots is bone pain; ouch, it’s rather uncomfy.

The journey continues…we’re not yet at the halfway mark. When we moved to Cali last June, we certainly had no idea this would be part of our future. With so much change and uncertainty in such a short time, this hasn’t been the easiest transition. We’re doing our best at embracing this entire journey as it unfolds, and looking forward to what the future holds, praying and believing it’ll be on a positive upswing! We are SO GRATEFUL for the many, many prayers we’ve received—it truly helps to know your thoughts are with us.  We feel so loved! Thank you.

Until next time… J

Nikki Rashan ©January 2014

 

First haircut in November

January 2014