Choice-Chance-Change

Preface: Last weekend while I was in Atlanta, I was given a reminder-- a “gentle nudge” you might call it-- that our blog was way overdue for a posting. Thank you for the poke, we’re back on it~;-)

 “You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.”

Since I was a teenager, I’ve been a collector of uplifting quotes as well as a devoted reader of inspirational books. The above quote was posted by a Facebook friend this past March and even though the adage wasn’t foreign to me, the words struck me in a manner they hadn’t before. 

For twenty years I worked in Corporate America, with 16 of those years at the same company. While I was grateful for my bi-monthly paycheck, medical benefits and growing pension, I was unfulfilled nearly nine hours of every day. Although I had managed to write 4.5 books while working full-time, I felt confined and restricted throughout my days, and limited to writing only in the evenings and weekends while still filling my role as a Mom and Partner. I was frustrated, angry and often sad that I didn’t have the freedom to explore my creativity on a full-time basis.

As spoiled and childish as it may sound, on occasion, maybe a few times a year I would cry before work or after work. That happened the day I read the above quote. Brandy, who had graciously listened to my whining day after day, decided we needed to put an end to my pouting and frustration. We had contemplated leaving Milwaukee for quite some time; those who know me were aware I had no desire to endure Midwest winters for much longer. Whenever we’d talk about moving, we got so excited about the new venture! But, within a day or two we’d determine the risk too great to leave our jobs, part from the children, and leave the security we had in Milwaukee.  

In mid-March (after that last crying episode) we spent a weekend in a Chicago hotel room and brainstormed our plan; we realized that if we didn’t act, and act quickly, we’d find yet another excuse to remain in Milwaukee, fearful of the unknown. That weekend we finalized our choice to take a chance because if we didn’t, our lives would never change.  While many people (including us) thought we’d relocate and settle in Atlanta, we opted for the west coast: California! On June 2^nd, two and half months after our decision, we hit the road to L.A.

I’d be lying if said the transition has been easy. In fact, on a couple of occasions we questioned if we made the right choice. We haven’t yet settled into our own place. At times we are frozen with sticker shock. I’ve been unable to figure out how to structure my days now that I work for myself all day, every day.  Brandy wants us to have everything we desire right now; unfortunately that’s not possible. 

These frustrations, however, are minimal. They’re trivial compared to the overwhelming blessings we’ve experienced. We’ve confirmed two amazing and beautiful friends in our lives. Brandy immediately secured a new job, which she started only three weeks after we arrived. We legally married on our anniversary in July. School began for Brandy on July 22^nd and she’s now 3 classes from graduation.  The EXchange, my fourth book was released at the end of June. I have a novella, Sugar on the Side (part of Carl Weber’s Full Figured series) set for release in October, and a contract to write another novella is on the way.  Above all, we have each other. Regardless of the city or household in which we live, at the end of every day we’re together, exactly where we’re meant to be.

We do not yet know if L.A. will become our permanent residence; time and experience will tell. With that said, I must add that we certainly have no intention to live a vagabond lifestyle. But, fortunately we now understand that we’re not bound to any job, city, or state. As long as we have each other and faith in the above, our lives are ours to live however and wherever we choose. J

©Nikki Rashan September 2013

Finding love and Keeping it

This is a blog I posted on my blog, Les’ Talk About It, December, 2010. It’s been a minute since we’ve posted a blog so I thought to share this one with you all. :)   Enjoy!
 

Our Wedding, Our Love

Brandy
July 14, 2012 at 6pm E.S.T. in San Juan, Puerto Rico on the rooftop of Oceano, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, marks the date, time, and place of our wedding.  With “Truly” instrumental playing softly in the background, each of our girls walked down the aisle and stood in their respective places.  After them, I followed.  As cool and collected as I can sometimes be, on this day…nope, I wasn’t.  Water filled my eyes even as I walked down the aisle.  I chanted to myself “just make it next to Bri; just make it to the front.”  My eyes caught glimpses of our guests smiling brightly with glassy eyes as I swiftly walked. It was my full intention to walk a little slow, but you know, I was nervous. J  I situated myself on the right side, took a deep breath, and waited for the love of my life to join me.  As the melodycontinued to play, Nikki appeared gracefully as if she was floating. She walked down the aisle wearing a loving smile looking absolutely breathtaking. I blinked a million times a minute trying hard not to let my tears to fall.  My face started to hurt from smiling so big.  I’d look down - then up - then down again realizing the time had arrived.  The moment had taken over my emotions and I felt overwhelmed with joy. 

From head to toe I felt an energy inside that I cannot describe. With prayers read and love expressed from the Officiant he then said, “Nikki and Brandy have written personal vows, Brandy, you first.”  My heart began to beat a mile a minute.  Briana handed me my vows, I opened them and at the sight of the first word, I had to take a minute to regain my composure. I couldn’t find my voice and furthermore, the tear gates were slowly opening.   Deep breaths in and slowly exhaling, I looked into the faces of Courtney, Jasmine and our friend Tami.  “You got this B,” I heard Tami say.  With another deep breath I looked at the woman whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  It was at the moment I found the strength to recite my vows.   As I began to read them I don’t believe I saw anyone or anything else except Nikki.  I couldn’t hear my words but rather I felt something on the inside that was so wonderful.  What I saw was all of my tomorrows with my best friend, our children, and supportive family and friends.  What I felt was a sense of completion; as if my scale was now balanced.   

Now it was Nikki’s turn.  I’ve felt the love from Nikki for years as her “dear sweet Brandy” and partner.  I must say, when she read her vows I had to breathe through my mouth and keep it a little open so that the ugly cry wouldn’t look too bad on the photos… haha!  In less than a minute of dedicating her love to me she also validated our relationship.  Her words were absolutely beautiful.  They were the perfect song, on a perfect day, recited in the perfect tone, to the melody of my heart strings being plucked.  Never have I heard anything so beautiful. 

The Legalities

Joining my life with Nikki’s has been wonderful.  Though we’ve lived together for over a year, affirming our love in the company of family and friends made me feel a greater love.  My love isn’t dictated by what the federal or state laws consider legal.  Whom God has blessed me with is the person I have married and given my complete being .  Do I wish it was legal?  Sure I do for reasons regarding healthcare, insurances, taxes, benefits, etc…  Because our union isn’t yet recognized by our state, does it lessen the validity of our love?  It sure doesn’t.  This love is real love, honest love, forever love.  Our focus is on our future and our children.  The laws we will leave up to legislation.

What we know to be true is…We were married July 14, 2012, regardless of who recognizes it or not. J

Nikki
As many of you know, Brandy and I recently affirmed our love and commitment to one another with a ceremony in San Juan, Puerto Rico. After an 18-month engagement, we were so ready for our special day to manifest. We chose 7.14.12 as our wedding date, as it marked ten years from the day we met.

We had been in San Juan a few days before the day of the wedding. I woke that morning calm, yet excited. I knew that by sunset that evening we would have exchanged our vows, which had been causing us both the most pressure, and finally we’d be able to exhale a bit. We moved throughout our day smooth and normal, though a few details I can't even remember, like what we had for breakfast or lunch. There were a few last minute adjustments to tend to, but thanks to supportive guests and our helpful planner, all moved forward gracefully.

It wasn’t until after my hair and make-up were done and I slid into my dress that I started to sweat. Literally. It was hot! I also began to wonder, is everyone here? Will the music flow properly? Are our girls okay? Will the rain hold off? Will Brandy faint? (She’s going to get me for that ;)) Sari, our planner, had me step aside and take a brief moment in front of a humongous fan. The air cooled my skin. Breathe, she told me… I relaxed again.

Up two flights of stairs to the rooftop, our guests awaited the start of the ceremony. Our girls entered first, Briana, Jasmine and then Courtney. Brandy, who I must say was simply STUNNING, walked next, and then me. In less than thirty seconds after meeting Brandy “at the altar,” I was ready to break down into happy tears. Thank goodness Reverend Guzman asked that we bow our heads in prayer. I took that moment to gather my composure, thank God for the moment, and re-open my eyes to the beauty all around me.

My cousin Shenay read 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 and our girls read the poem, The Key to Love.  Although my eyes were solely focused on Brandy as she read her vows to me, I’m pretty confident I wasn’t the only person shedding tears (now having watched the video I’ve since learned that fighting “against” a cry can create the same twisted expressions as a full-blown ugly cry…I think I kept it together somewhat successfully). I have to say that it was an honor to share my vows with Brandy, which I wrote, edited, and wrote again (x3). Those who know me are aware that I take the word “promise” way too seriously, both giving and receiving a promise. I’ve had many conversations with people about this, most who have given me the side-eye and question if I fear commitment. The answer is absolutely not! What I fear is a lie and that’s what a broken promise is to me. Promise me something and my heart holds on to it. Not to say I can’t handle disappointment, disappointment and I have met on many occasions. I’m wise enough to understand that “things happen” and sometimes quests are left unfinished. But a broken promise? Ugh. For me it cuts differently.  In the same respect, because of the importance of those two words, you better believe that if I make a promise, trust that I’ll hold true to my word. Call me hypersensitive about it, I know. ;-) My point is, writing and then speaking the promise of forever love to Brandy was easy. It came natural and there’s no other word I could even choose to replace the sincere dedication I have in my heart to cherish and hold on to the love we have and will continue to build upon. To her I give this promise.

©Brandy Nasha & Nikki Rashan

Too Soon but Right on Time

“I believe that the people you care about the most in life are taken away from you way too soon.”  

I read this quote off of a sign in Jimmy John’s.  After reading it my heart seemed heavy as I began to think of my loved ones whom I lost too soon; Uncle Carl  in ‘02, my younger brother Jearld  in ‘03, my father in ’11, and my grand-mother ‘12. 

In my human mind as a niece, sister, daughter, and grand-daughter, I was angry and hurt. I felt cheated of time.  The thought of their physical presence absent from my tomorrows hurt beyond measure.   Yes I had memories but I wanted them… to see their faces, to hear their laughter, and to simply have them here to experience more life with. 

As a child of God who understands He makes no mistakes am thankful for their presence in my life and for the years we shared.  As I began to thank God with tears streaming down my face for the lessons learned and wisdom shared with my loved ones, it was then I felt abundantly blessed.  As I hurt for my losses but focused on all I was given while they were here, gave me a sense of peace and comfort.  I realized all my tomorrows would be filled with each of them because so much of who I am and what I am has been shaped by their love. 

Each person departed my life as I transitioned into a new phase in my life.  I look back now and I say, “Thank you Uncle Carl for helping me to choose me and my happiness.  Jearld, thank you for teaching me to love unconditionally and learn so much about myself.  Dad, what can I say? I loved you simply because of who you were to me.  Grandma, your wisdom, your love, and your nurturing will follow me for the rest of my life.  Thank you for love, life and laughter.”

 “I believe that the people you care about the most are taken away from you when they’ve served their purpose in your life.  I am thankful for the experience.” ~Bnasha

This is a quote that comes to mind as I think of God’s grace and mercy. 

Without a doubt I still cry, my heart still pains at their absence, but when I’m done… I am able to reminisce in laughter and heartfelt memories that will forever guide me.

~Nikki, I thank you for your patience, support, comfort, and love.  Again, God placed us together under one roof at the perfect time.  You’ve been there from ’02 until now and I am grateful for your understanding, strength and love.  I appreciate you more than you know. ~

©BNasha March, 2012

Am I Closeted?

Today I purchased a yummy white chocolate mocha from the friendly Starbucks guy at work. We chat every time I indulge in this yummy treat, usually about movies, but today’s conversation took a slight, very innocent turn to the personal. While in the store I scooped up some flavored pretzels for Brandy and he joked about my mocha/pretzel combination (it would have been very gross; hot buffalo wing flavored pretzels with a white chocolate mocha equals bellyache!). I replied that the pretzels weren’t for me. He asked who were they for, the kids at home? I replied that they were not. He seemed confused, and questioned who they were for if not for me or the kids. I told him they were for my other loved one at home. So then he actually asked about my household---is it me, kids & a hubby? I answered no. He replied, “It’s not like that?” and I simply said no. With a smile of course. J The burning question I had inside was the same as every time I encounter this situation—why do I not tell the person I’m speaking to that I’m engaged to a woman? That the love of my life is of the same sex? Instead I dance right over the topic and leave them guessing. Or confused. Or perhaps wondering if I’m harping some deep, dark secret about who I’m involved with.

I’ve bumped into this situation many times. Back in ’06 I interviewed with a woman at Harpo Studios and she asked me if I was out. I responded quickly, “Oh yes, absolutely!” She smiled and asked if that meant all my co-workers knew that I’m gay. I frowned and replied, “Oh no, I don’t talk to them about that.” Not all of them at least. Of course she was perplexed. How was I out but hadn’t told most of my co-workers about my sexual identity? I also remember one of my flights to Atlanta early last year and the oh so sweet woman on the plane next to me asked if I left my husband at home while I visited Atlanta. I responded with a super swift “No.” She pointed to my ring and just like the Starbucks guy, questioned my denial. I smiled and changed the subject. Sometimes I wonder if this is a cowardly move on my part—do I fear judgment from these strangers? Really, why is it that I choose to keep this exciting relationship from the person to whom I’m talking? It’s a difficult line to cross when determining what facets of my life to share. I know I’m not closeted, right? Certainly I wouldn’t be writing this blog on the internet for all to see if I were.

It’s taken me awhile to realize that this isn’t about being closeted or being out. For me it comes down to privacy; I am and always have been an extremely private person. If on a Monday morning someone I don’t know well asked what I did over the weekend, my response is likely to be just as short and vague as if they had asked who I’m marrying this upcoming July. I simply don’t share details, even minor ones, with just any and every one and I’ve always been this way. Yet still I’m internally bothered each time I avoid sharing details about Brandy and our love. I wonder if I’m not taking advantage of a moment to educate someone on same-sex relationships. Maybe sharing this piece of knowledge about myself could promote positive awareness about same sex commitments. Perhaps it’s my duty and responsibility to be open with all I encounter. However, I realize that in being open there’s a potential flip side that could lead to conversations about religion, sin, and possible criticism about same sex love and those conversations I choose wisely (and rarely) at this point in my life.

I’m quite curious how others handle this situation. If you don’t consider yourself a closeted person, how do you handle innocent inquiries and questions about your same sex significant other? Are you open and free, willing to share details about your same sex commitment with any one? Or are you guarded and private about your relationship?

©Nikki Rashan, January 2012

A Moment of Silence: A Journey Back to His Love...

Years ago I turned my back on God. I was raised Baptist and attended a variety of churches growing up, including a family church in Chicago. Although I stopped attending church on Sundays when I was 20, I’d still attend periodically. I loved God and sought his guidance regularly even though I had become an Easter and Mother’s Day member. ;-) Around the age of 32 after about four years of being “out” I had grown weary of churches in which I was not welcome. I’d visit one church for a few weeks until the topic of homosexuality would come up so I’d leave and try another church only for it to happen again. I also became tired of Christians condemning me while I witnessed them commit their righteous sins, and yet mine remained “thee most abominable” of all. Mostly I was exhausted of praying for clarity and understanding of my life’s path when everyone around me spoke on God’s behalf and told me my path was wrong. (Let me be clear that when I say “me” I’m not necessarily speaking of just myself. While I certainly experienced my share of prayers and laying of hands to free me of sin, I’m speaking in a larger sense about the gay and lesbian community as a whole.)

To relieve myself of the guilt and stress, I left God behind and dared anyone to mention His name to me. I hadn’t become an atheist; my belief in a strength and power greater than me was too innate to deny. What I did was make a conscious choice to close my heart to Him. This allowed me to wag my finger at all lying, cheating, addicted, stealing, hypocritical “straight” Christians, and silently judge them the way they verbally judged me. I shut out all Bible-thumping church folks and surrounded myself with a small group of friends, both gay and straight, who loved me as me.

I soon entered a new spiritual path. I dove deeply into “The Secret” and read book after book about the law of attraction. I read up on Eastern traditions and studied a bit on Hindu and Buddhist beliefs. I meditated. I journaled. I wrote gratitude lists and chanted daily affirmations. All of these teachings and readings proved beneficial as these were some of the deepest growing years in my adulthood thus far. I released the resentment and judgment I felt toward those who condemned me and I learned to love and embrace everyone despite—despite their sexual orientation, despite their religious beliefs, and regardless of how they choose to live their own lives. I understood that while we’re all on our own paths and journeys, we’re all connected to The One Source.

Although I began to thrive with a fresh outlook on humankind, one piece remained missing. I still had yet to acknowledge Him again as the source from which we all come.

I recall talking to Brandy one day in late summer 2010 and telling her that developing a relationship with God just wasn’t on my priority list. I was no longer that pained, guilt-ridden woman of my early thirties who was struggling and seeking answers. I thought I had found them all in my studies. Brandy was silent. She didn’t agree with what I said or even acknowledge my words. But she didn’t scold me either. The quiet on the other end was all I needed to hear because in it I finally heard myself. My resistance to Him was still the fear of judgment I might receive from others. In that stillness I learned that regardless of any external voices I might hear, and beyond the love of my friends and even the love I uncovered for myself, He loves me greatest. He always has, even when I turned from Him, and He always will. From that moment forward my heart re-opened.

Now, all of this does not suggest that in the past year I’ve transformed into a church-going, Bible carrying, scripture quoting woman. That I am not. ;-) What I am is a woman who appreciates my journey. I still believe in the law of attraction and I still write my gratitude lists and repeat affirmations. I sincerely believe my spiritual understanding is broader than it ever would have been had I remained confined within the Baptist belief system. For me, I had to learn to love and accept myself without the outside pressure of organized religion deterring me from what I know is truth: He is love in all forms and I, along with every person and every thing, am a reflection of His love. He is love in the light seeping through the blinds each morning, in the sparkles of the sky each night, and He is love in the form of silence on the other end of a summer afternoon telephone call. I’m so glad I listened.

We'd love to hear about your spiritual journey if you're open to sharing...

© Nikki Rashan, December 2011

COMPLIMENTS: Welcomed or Not?

There are times Nikki and I go to events and I see people “wreckless eyeballing” and whispering amongst their friends.  I can only imagine what they are thinking and saying.  It doesn’t bother me one bit.  Want to know why?  ‘Cause she’s leaving with me! J  In those situations I smile and might even give the onlookers a wink to let them know… “I see you lookin’ witcha lookin’ azz”…haha!  I’m laughing but very serious.  I find it complimentary and take no offense when others find my sweets attractive - as long as they remain respectful.   Now if it goes any further than a glance and crosses that fine line into disrespect, then Brandy off ‘da block might join the party...(KAPOW!)  I want Nikki to look good, feel good, and know that it’s all good when we are in the midst of others.  I walk a little taller, smile a little wider and give that infamous nod that says... “Thank you, thank you, thank you… you’re far too kind” (in my Jay-Z voice). I often kid with her before leaving the house, depending on what she decides to wear, if she’s trying to get me into an altercation or something.    

                So, when someone is looking at your significant other or may even pay them a compliment, does it make you ‘feel some kinda way?’  If you get that feeling in your chest, does that mean you’re insecure and possessive?  When are too many compliments too much attention?

©BNasha, November, 2011