[NB]tween Thoughts

Am I Closeted?

2012-01-31T17:12:00.000-08:00

Today I purchased a yummy white chocolate mocha from the friendly Starbucks guy at work. We chat every time I indulge in this yummy treat, usually about movies, but today’s conversation took a slight, very innocent turn to the personal. While in the store I scooped up some flavored pretzels for Brandy and he joked about my mocha/pretzel combination (it would have been very gross; hot buffalo wing flavored pretzels with a white chocolate mocha equals bellyache!). I replied that the pretzels weren’t for me. He asked who were they for, the kids at home? I replied that they were not. He seemed confused, and questioned who they were for if not for me or the kids. I told him they were for my other loved one at home. So then he actually asked about my household---is it me, kids & a hubby? I answered no. He replied, “It’s not like that?” and I simply said no. With a smile of course. J The burning question I had inside was the same as every time I encounter this situation—why do I not tell the person I’m speaking to that I’m engaged to a woman? That the love of my life is of the same sex? Instead I dance right over the topic and leave them guessing. Or confused. Or perhaps wondering if I’m harping some deep, dark secret about who I’m involved with.

I’ve bumped into this situation many times. Back in ’06 I interviewed with a woman at Harpo Studios and she asked me if I was out. I responded quickly, “Oh yes, absolutely!” She smiled and asked if that meant all my co-workers knew that I’m gay. I frowned and replied, “Oh no, I don’t talk to them about that.” Not all of them at least. Of course she was perplexed. How was I out but hadn’t told most of my co-workers about my sexual identity? I also remember one of my flights to Atlanta early last year and the oh so sweet woman on the plane next to me asked if I left my husband at home while I visited Atlanta. I responded with a super swift “No.” She pointed to my ring and just like the Starbucks guy, questioned my denial. I smiled and changed the subject. Sometimes I wonder if this is a cowardly move on my part—do I fear judgment from these strangers? Really, why is it that I choose to keep this exciting relationship from the person to whom I’m talking? It’s a difficult line to cross when determining what facets of my life to share. I know I’m not closeted, right? Certainly I wouldn’t be writing this blog on the internet for all to see if I were.

It’s taken me awhile to realize that this isn’t about being closeted or being out. For me it comes down to privacy; I am and always have been an extremely private person. If on a Monday morning someone I don’t know well asked what I did over the weekend, my response is likely to be just as short and vague as if they had asked who I’m marrying this upcoming July. I simply don’t share details, even minor ones, with just any and every one and I’ve always been this way. Yet still I’m internally bothered each time I avoid sharing details about Brandy and our love. I wonder if I’m not taking advantage of a moment to educate someone on same-sex relationships. Maybe sharing this piece of knowledge about myself could promote positive awareness about same sex commitments. Perhaps it’s my duty and responsibility to be open with all I encounter. However, I realize that in being open there’s a potential flip side that could lead to conversations about religion, sin, and possible criticism about same sex love and those conversations I choose wisely (and rarely) at this point in my life.

I’m quite curious how others handle this situation. If you don’t consider yourself a closeted person, how do you handle innocent inquiries and questions about your same sex significant other? Are you open and free, willing to share details about your same sex commitment with any one? Or are you guarded and private about your relationship?

©Nikki Rashan, January 2012

A Moment of Silence: A Journey Back to His Love...

2011-12-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

Years ago I turned my back on God. I was raised Baptist and attended a variety of churches growing up, including a family church in Chicago. Although I stopped attending church on Sundays when I was 20, I’d still attend periodically. I loved God and sought his guidance regularly even though I had become an Easter and Mother’s Day member. ;-) Around the age of 32 after about four years of being “out” I had grown weary of churches in which I was not welcome. I’d visit one church for a few weeks until the topic of homosexuality would come up so I’d leave and try another church only for it to happen again. I also became tired of Christians condemning me while I witnessed them commit their righteous sins, and yet mine remained “thee most abominable” of all. Mostly I was exhausted of praying for clarity and understanding of my life’s path when everyone around me spoke on God’s behalf and told me my path was wrong. (Let me be clear that when I say “me” I’m not necessarily speaking of just myself. While I certainly experienced my share of prayers and laying of hands to free me of sin, I’m speaking in a larger sense about the gay and lesbian community as a whole.)

To relieve myself of the guilt and stress, I left God behind and dared anyone to mention His name to me. I hadn’t become an atheist; my belief in a strength and power greater than me was too innate to deny. What I did was make a conscious choice to close my heart to Him. This allowed me to wag my finger at all lying, cheating, addicted, stealing, hypocritical “straight” Christians, and silently judge them the way they verbally judged me. I shut out all Bible-thumping church folks and surrounded myself with a small group of friends, both gay and straight, who loved me as me.

I soon entered a new spiritual path. I dove deeply into “The Secret” and read book after book about the law of attraction. I read up on Eastern traditions and studied a bit on Hindu and Buddhist beliefs. I meditated. I journaled. I wrote gratitude lists and chanted daily affirmations. All of these teachings and readings proved beneficial as these were some of the deepest growing years in my adulthood thus far. I released the resentment and judgment I felt toward those who condemned me and I learned to love and embrace everyone despite—despite their sexual orientation, despite their religious beliefs, and regardless of how they choose to live their own lives. I understood that while we’re all on our own paths and journeys, we’re all connected to The One Source.

Although I began to thrive with a fresh outlook on humankind, one piece remained missing. I still had yet to acknowledge Him again as the source from which we all come.

I recall talking to Brandy one day in late summer 2010 and telling her that developing a relationship with God just wasn’t on my priority list. I was no longer that pained, guilt-ridden woman of my early thirties who was struggling and seeking answers. I thought I had found them all in my studies. Brandy was silent. She didn’t agree with what I said or even acknowledge my words. But she didn’t scold me either. The quiet on the other end was all I needed to hear because in it I finally heard myself. My resistance to Him was still the fear of judgment I might receive from others. In that stillness I learned that regardless of any external voices I might hear, and beyond the love of my friends and even the love I uncovered for myself, He loves me greatest. He always has, even when I turned from Him, and He always will. From that moment forward my heart re-opened.

Now, all of this does not suggest that in the past year I’ve transformed into a church-going, Bible carrying, scripture quoting woman. That I am not. ;-) What I am is a woman who appreciates my journey. I still believe in the law of attraction and I still write my gratitude lists and repeat affirmations. I sincerely believe my spiritual understanding is broader than it ever would have been had I remained confined within the Baptist belief system. For me, I had to learn to love and accept myself without the outside pressure of organized religion deterring me from what I know is truth: He is love in all forms and I, along with every person and every thing, am a reflection of His love. He is love in the light seeping through the blinds each morning, in the sparkles of the sky each night, and He is love in the form of silence on the other end of a summer afternoon telephone call. I’m so glad I listened.

We'd love to hear about your spiritual journey if you're open to sharing...

COMPLIMENTS: Welcomed or Not?

2011-11-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

There are times Nikki and I go to events and I see people “wreckless eyeballing” and whispering amongst their friends. I can only imagine what they are thinking and saying. It doesn’t bother me one bit. Want to know why? ‘Cause she’s leaving with me! J In those situations I smile and might even give the onlookers a wink to let them know… “I see you lookin’ witcha lookin’ azz”…haha! I’m laughing but very serious. I find it complimentary and take no offense when others find my sweets attractive - as long as they remain respectful. Now if it goes any further than a glance and crosses that fine line into disrespect, then Brandy off ‘da block might join the party...(KAPOW!) I want Nikki to look good, feel good, and know that it’s all good when we are in the midst of others. I walk a little taller, smile a little wider and give that infamous nod that says... “Thank you, thank you, thank you… you’re far too kind” (in my Jay-Z voice). I often kid with her before leaving the house, depending on what she decides to wear, if she’s trying to get me into an altercation or something.

So, when someone is looking at your significant other or may even pay them a compliment, does it make you ‘feel some kinda way?’ If you get that feeling in your chest, does that mean you’re insecure and possessive? When are too many compliments too much attention?

©BNasha, November, 2011

The "Ex-Factor"

2011-10-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend I did a sweep of 2,100 friends on Facebook. This wasn’t done for any personal reasons toward any of them; I did it to move more friends over to the Nikki Rashan “fan” page and to promote a more intimate atmosphere on my personal profile. With this transition came the removal of some people I actually know in real life. Thing is, on my friends list were a handful of ex’s (yikes J) that are now removed.

Since we began our relationship, Brandy and I haven’t engaged in too many conversations about our ex’s. We’re in a unique situation—by the time B and I started dating in 2009, we had been friends for over seven years and were already aware of each other’s experiences with others so there really hasn’t been much talk regarding ex’s. Plus, we already agreed that the past- the ex’s- are irrelevant to our relationship and who we are to each other (see previous blog ;-)).

There have been occasions, however, when we’ve had the “ex as a friend” conversation. We never really come to a consensus as I tend to believe it depends on the people involved, how the relationship ended and most importantly, whether or not there are any unresolved feelings on the ex’s part. Brandy, on the other hand, firmly believes it’s unnecessary to be friends with an ex. Because we don’t force our opinions on one another, I think we’ve agreed to have different viewpoints on this topic (and thank goodness this isn’t a problem for us anyway).

B never said anything about my friends list. Really there was never a need to talk about it. I, along with the few people I had dated that were on my list, had all moved on with our lives. It’s not like we were talking on the phone, lunching together (that's a whole different story) or even exchanging e-mails. Any interaction was public-a “Like” of status updates or a comment here and there; nothing major. But still I know that the “ex” topic can be fragile for some, even if the only connection is online.

So tell us, what are your thoughts on the ex-factor? Do the people you dated automatically get removed as a friend if it doesn’t work out? Or is it okay if you or your partner have ex’s as friends online? If an ex requested your friendship now, would you accept?

From THEN to NOW: the JOURNEY continues...

2011-09-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

9 years, 1 month, and 21 days is how long Nikki and I have been friends…

Within that time frame I have gotten to know my sweet friend pretty well. In the beginning we spent many summer nights in silence losing ourselves in music. I would sit at one end of the sofa and with Nikki resting comfortably in my lap, I'd caress her head and just listen to song after song into the wee hours of the morning. We’d also hang out at her “Real World” parties on Tuesday nights and the occasionally go out with mutual friends. Shortly after becoming friends I left Milwaukee and moved to Atlanta, but still our friendship remained connected; sharing music, emails and visits when each of us was in town.

1 year, 10 months and 10 days is how long we’ve been in an intimate relationship…

There were many flights from Milwaukee to Atlanta and Atlanta to Milwaukee. As our routine long weekends approached our excitement intensified. For the next 3-4 days after arrival we’d play catch up on wining and dining, movies, quiet evenings, long talks, listening to music, visiting friends, and doing all the things we didn’t want to do in each other’s absence. Then that dreadful day would come when we would have to make that trip back to the airport. Those rides worsened as the months passed: tears, attitudes and silence. I couldn’t stand making the drive on departure day. On arrival day I-285 South was my best friend. However, on departure day I would curse at every exit: Atlanta Road -I hate this place; S. Cobb Drive-I can’t wait to leave here! Hollowell Pkwy - tears stream down my face as I try not to make eye contact with Nikki because I see the tears streaming down her face as well. By the time we'd reach Hartsfield-Jackson we were emotional wrecks. It was always a bittersweet visit; loving the time spent but hating to see it come to an end for the next thirty days or so.

3 months and 4 days is how long we have lived together...

Finally I am here and it’s been lovely. Getting to know Nik on day to day basis is interesting and appreciated. Before my arrival we had the "live together talk" and she thought I’d be the OCD one because I am rather organized. Not to say that she isn’t but for some reason she thought I was kind of over the top because all of my hangers are white, bed has to be made before I can get in it, toilet paper roll is under and seemingly I was always cleaning. Au contraire mon soeur (on the contrary my sister)! Nikki my sweetheart, love of my life, woman whom I plan to marry in less than a year-- kisses! A few weeks back she was looking for something that belonged on the second shelf in our toiletry cabinet and it wasn’t there but on the shelf below. Laaaawwwwwd you would’ve thought the world depended on this item being in its place. It was then I learned the cabinet is important to her. It has to stay ‘in order’ or me and all three girls will be in TROUBLE! After our Wal-Mart trip, she sat on the floor and quietly organized this cabinet to perfection while placing the items we just bought on their respective shelves I didn’t say a word only laughed to myself. But this right here… this right here (in my Katt Williams voice) takes the cake. One evening we were putting pictures on a stand in the family room. Me, I just placed them up there and thought it was okay. Uh-uh… nope. It wasn’t that simple. Can you believe we were in there for well over an hour strategically placing picture frames on a shelf! Like for real… really, are you serious the picture can’t stay right here?! She shot me ‘that look’ so I sat on the sectional and watched her mull over where to place a 4x6 photo frame on a shelf. I sat there in disbelief as she looked from every angle in the room at this shelf and the picture. By this time I am cracking up but she’s dead serious--still I am cracking up and started teasing her until finally she had positioned the picture to her liking. During this phase of our journey it’s been amusing to experience her quirky ways of doing things as I’m sure she finds humor in mine.

10 months and 10 days until we say …. I do

We have so much to ready ourselves for: Briana leaves for the U.S. Navy 10/24/11 and Jasmine and Courtney graduate 06/12. After those significant events we will then exchange vows and begin our lives as wife and wife.

#ourjourneyshallcontinue

©BNasha, September, 2011

My #1 Passenger...

2011-07-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

Being with Brandy in the same city has been wonderfully awesome. And now that she’s here there’s so much we enjoy doing together. We love going out to eat, catching a movie, and shopping at the mall... We venture out and about with friends, travel to Chicago quite often, and ride downtown to work together on a daily basis. As you see, we drive A LOT.

It didn’t take long for me to pick up on B’s habits while I’m driving. If I’m at a stop sign looking left, then right, and then left again, B is right alongside me doing the same. If I’m at a median intersection waiting for an opening between cars, B is next to me looking for the right opportunity to enter as well. Point is, I quickly noticed that B is a side-seat driver.

My first stubborn Leo-like thought was, Why is she looking too? I’ve had my license over twenty years and never had an accident-I got this. So of course me being me, I called her out on it. B’s response was obvious and expected; she was only double checking to make sure I “had it.” Me: I got it. Since then B has attempted to minimize her passenger seat driving ways, but every now and then I catch her in my peripheral when she must think I can’t see. It makes me smile inside.

See, I finally understand the greater meaning behind B’s actions. She’s not trying to take the wheel and drive for me, she’s simply my look-out. My support. She checks my blind spot if or when I fail to see. I say this literally and metaphorically. In my everyday movements she’s always there, allowing me to travel the road that only I can, while she silently meets me at every turn, intersection and sometimes road block. She speaks up if there’s oncoming danger I don’t see. And if it’s too late, she’s my seatbelt keeping me safe from harm. If I happen upon an unexpected dead end, she helps me map out an alternate route to ensure I reach my destination. She’s my side view mirror, air bag and GPS all wrapped in one, there for my assistance, protection and guidance as needed.

I no longer cringe when I feel B peeping traffic with me while I drive. It’s a constant reminder that as I journey my life’s roads around mountains, through valleys, and along smooth stretches of highway, I have a partner buckled in at my side, taking in the view right with me. J

Prepared: She is READY

2011-07-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

The many flights over the past year and a half: ATL to MKE and MKE to ATL are distant memories. Eight hundred plus miles no longer stand between us. Now we can simply reach out and touch each other on a daily basis.

J & C welcomed Briana, Bailey (my Maltese) and me with open arms. Fez (her yorkie) is slowly warming up to my hyper Bailey; he’s no longer hiding under the bed from her so I think they’re making progress. What’s most comforting is seeing and feeling how prepared Nikki was for my arrival. I have space in the closet, the drawers, the nightstand, the linen closet, the basement, the garage etc… Those are the physical aspects of her preparation which helped to get ‘my stuff’ settled in. We’ve turned her home into our home.

It is one thing to make space in the home. What reassured me beyond words was the room she made in the following:

Heart- accepting me for me and loving me unconditionally. She emotionally caters to all of me.

Mind- understanding my likes/ dislikes, wants/ needs and desires while making them a priority.

Spirit- allowing me to coexist within her being on a higher level. Trusting me with all of her…

She doesn’t allow her independence to hinder the dynamics of our togetherness. Her selflessness, patience, and consideration are to be much-admired. I’m not tooting any horns here but um…TOOT-TOOT to my babe for preparing for me beyond the physical. Kudos to her for being attentive to my needs and meeting them, loving me a little more when I needed it most and being patient and understanding during this beautiful transition. Preparing beyond what can be seen is so appreciated!!

Coming together under one roof isn’t just a physical preparation. It is also a spiritual, emotional, and financial blending of individuals into a partnership. It requires more than making room in the house. You have to think, feel and be beyond yourself. It is necessary to be in tune with the happenings of your partner. You have to ready yourself to love harder, understand deeper and coexist on a higher level together.

Tell us, how have you prepared?

©BJenkins, July 2011

TEAMwork: Together Everything Amazes Me...

2011-05-31T15:36:00.000-07:00

I almost let the month go by without posting a blog for May. Contrary to an earlier blog, this was not due to procrastination. J I simply had a lot going on this month. There was work-work-work along with writing my next book, and then I closed out the month with a wonderful five-day stint in Atlanta. Busy times, but wonderful times…

I thought I’d take a quick moment to write about teamwork. We’ve all learned about teamwork on the job and heard or used the old adage, “There’s no ‘I’ in team.” Though I get along with most everyone and work well with others in a working environment, I most enjoy teamwork in my personal life at home. I love those days when my girls and I clean the house in an organized and cooperative manner: we each handle our assigned areas and get the job done. And yet still there are those other days when I just want to clean all by myself. I know the house will look the way I want it to with everything in its place the way I like. Frankly, it’ll get done my way. I’m not controlling nor do I have a dominating personality. But what I am sometimes is obstinate and this isn’t necessarily the best quality to have the best relationship.

Recently I encountered a problem I needed to tackle and I tossed, turned and flip flopped over two nights trying to determine a reasonable solution. Initially I didn’t bring the issue to Brandy’s attention because I thought it would be yet another moment where I would appear lost and she’d have to find the answer. I was determined to figure it out myself! On the morning of day three when I was about to make my move on what I thought I should do, my insides didn’t feel right. My belly -that glorious intuition we all have that guides us - screamed at me that first, I was headed in the wrong direction and second, to share with Brandy so we could work together for a solution. So I did. And my entire body exhaled… I realized instantly that trying to do things “my way” only hinders our growth together.

The saying is true, there is no “I” on the N&B team. There’s Nikki and Brandy with our own individual attributes that we bring together to openly solve any problem and accomplish any goal effectively. While I am certainly my own person with my own ideas, thoughts, and ways of handling people and circumstances, I am a better me when “we” put our heads and hearts together and work through a situation as one.

©Nikki Rashan, May 2011

You play Too much!

2011-04-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

How many of you play the dozens with your partner? Laughing until you cry, joking one another out to no end? Nikki and I have spent countless hours playfully teasing one another about any and everything. We go IN on each other until- unbeknownst to the other- a soft spot has been hit. Trial and error reveals a ‘not so funny’ exchange of ridicule has occurred, and I (or she) is left with that nervous chuckle wondering if the other is about to:

1. Silence

2. Come out of the bag and snap.

3. Hang up the phone/ walk out because feelings are hurt.

Leo vs. Virgo for some reason can almost always get us fired up. We start out really playful and light. Somewhere in-between me declaring Virgos are the best and Nikki suggesting I’m afraid of the lioness, our discussion slips into a battle of egos. Ego fighting is never fair or friendly. As you can imagine our eyes are probably rolling at the implication of inferiority of the other. While intense neither of us wants to back down. Sly laughter and mockery with an added undertone of arrogance is a perfect recipe for the actions I listed above. We’ve never pushed the other this far but that line has been grazed. Silence has filled the air. (Blaming Nikki for this one) J

AWKWARD feeling at its worst! Reminds me of that Southwest Airlines commercial, “Wanna Get Away!?” It is in those moments I’m like, okay, no more playing because I don’t like feeling this way nor do I like going there- there being that dark place of uncertainty pondering what the hell just happened because we were only ‘playing’…

Everybody has soft spots. Only when things have gone too far are we made aware of our partner’s no-play-zone. I’m sure we have all experienced it or am I the only culprit? I know Nikki has found mine and I am super guilty of finding hers because I play a lot (and she does too). Sometimes too much. J However, I’ve learned where not to go and I stay clear of those soft areas. I tend to tell her, “No babe, we cannot play because you do not know how to play well with others.” I’m laughing but am very serious. In the midst of laughing, I will stop and proceed with caution to the next subject. The joking, playing, jonezing, casing, ribbing, whatever you may call it, it ends.

So tell me: Do you play too much? Does your partner play for real? By for real, I mean they start saying real stuff and the playing turns into an argument? I’m cracking up because I want to know!! Share your thoughts people…

The never-ending debate: how gay are you?

2011-03-09T15:00:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I read the status update of a Facebook friend that prompted over 60 responses. The topic was about bisexuality and although I decided not to respond as I tend not to comment on most status messages I read, I definitely had an emotional reaction. The responses to the status varied and created a heated debate and I hope a couple friends of mine don’t mind my extracting pieces from their conversation and creating this blog. I’m doing so because a portion of it hit a certain nerve that I’ve dealt with in the past and occasionally still encounter. A few years back I similarly tackled this topic via a myspace blog after I met a woman who challenged my sexual orientation based on my appearance and assumed I was bisexual, likely straight, but certainly not a lesbian. Reaaalllly irked me. The bothersome pieces of the messages I read yesterday were that if a woman has dated and/or been married to a man in the past and she now engages in relationships with women, that she’s not a “real” lesbian and that she’s bisexual. Hmmm….

I can only speak from my own experience as a woman with that background and when I hear comments such as those I find it personally offensive for anyone other than me to tell me who/what I must be. The Kinsey scale suggests that a person’s sexual past can be labeled by a number, with 0 falling at exclusively heterosexual and a 6 at exclusively homosexual, with many tottering somewhere in between. I’ve engaged in conversations with literally hundreds of women and while they sit in various ranges on the scale, I can say that I, personally, only know one 6. And that’s including some of my wonderful “stud” friends as well. But does that mean that these women are bisexual and not lesbians because they were with men in the past? I don’t believe that to be the case.

Sure, we all know women who swing between relationships with men and women and rather than allowing them to express their freedom to love whomever, we label them confused. And I’ll gladly admit that I’m just now getting a better understanding of women who fall into that arena. Often we do want them to “choose” and when they desert women for men, we shun them. If they leave men for women, we congratulate them for joining our team.

If bisexuality is sincerely the attraction and ability to love a man or a woman, then I can 100% confirm that bisexual I am not just because I was once married and because I have children. If I was sincerely able to love a man the way I love women (Brandy ;-)), I would have stayed married without question. Saved myself, my daughters, and their father the turmoil that surrounded my choice to disrupt my family to live what is true to me. It’s an unfair statement to suggest that I’m bisexual (again, based upon a few comments I read) when my heart and my being know otherwise. So I’m not a full-fledged 6; no problem, I can live with that. Do I have an attraction toward men? Nope. Do I foresee the possibility of being with one in the future? No, I don’t.

My walk to this wonderful place I’m in now was not easy. As a matter of fact, for a couple of years I tried to convince myself that I was bisexual. These were years of guilt, hurt, depression and suicidal tendencies, all in coming to terms with my truth as a lesbian. If I were bisexual that wouldn’t have been the case; I believe I would have had the capacity to live the “American dream” others saw for me and I, too, thought I could live as well. But that wasn’t me.

We welcome your thoughts/perspective….

©Nikki Rashan, March 2011

Valentine's Day...Share the love~

2011-02-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

Nikki: The past couple of weeks Brandy and I have been toying around with blog ideas and have come up with many ideas ranging from “roles” in relationships, ‘in the closet’ partners, spirituality to raising children. We even had a request to discuss a particular topic which we certainly might cover in the future. For now, we wanted keep this blog light, short and sweet. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner we thought it would be a fun idea to share our favorite Valentine’s stories. Hey, maybe even throw in the worst if you choose. What does Valentine’s Day mean to you? How do you recognize your significant other? Whether you’re single, in a relationship or married, what are your 2011 Valentine’s Day plans?

For me, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful opportunity to remind your loved one just how much she means to you. It doesn’t have to be through an extravagant gift or over lobster in a fancy restaurant (though I won’t complain ;-)). It can be as simple as a card or an extra “I love you”. If the gesture is sincere, genuine and from the heart, I’ll take it.

I remember for several single years my dearest friend and I would celebrate V-day together. We’d toast to our friendship and although we loved each other greatly, I think we’d each silently pray the following year wouldn’t be the same. Thank goodness those prayers have been answered. She’s now off in married bliss and I’m on my way. J

Last year Brandy and I spent Valentine’s weekend in Atlanta. I remember it snowed the day I arrived which put a freeze on some of our plans; however, we made up for the monkey wrench in other ways and created some of the best Valentine’s memories ever. J This year we’ll be celebrating together a few days late… Although the “significance” of the day will have passed, we’ve realized that the quality of our time together doesn’t necessarily have to fall on a certain occasion—we’ve committed to gifting one another with our love in a variety of ways and through different measures not only on February 14^th, but each and every day of the year as well. Happy Valentine’s Day to all! ♥

Brandy: Valentine’s Day should be called “Embellish Day” in my opinion! I think it’s a day to reiterate your love for your sweetie. Granted, I’m sure Nikki knows and feels my love each and every day, and I’m just as sure the ‘embellishment’ on this day is greatly appreciated as well. To celebrate our love in the midst of everyone else doing the same seems pretty cool!

I can’t say that I’ve always been a fan of what I call the “Hallmark” holiday. When all of my friends were in relationships or dating and I was home alone, the “made up” day wasn’t on my high list of celebrations. I remember turning off my phone and having a shutdown day/weekend until it was all over. Much like Nikki, I too would pray for the following year to bring about the most wonderful person to share in the day with. All I can say to that is, how lucky am I?!

I must admit I’m a bit suckered into the day NOW that I have my sweet Nik. I’ve been thinking of ways to woo my sweetheart and make her day even more wonderful. J Surely I do not wait until February 14^th to love her up, but I will use the day to be extra chummy! So now I have to see if I can do better than last year... ha-ha! This is going to be a wonderful celebration… y’all just don’t know!

Use this day to add a little extra loving, hugging and snuggling! It’s a day to give emphasis to: thank you, I appreciate you, I love you, I am so happy to have you, and all of the other wonderful sentiments you share with your special someone.

Happy Valentine’s Day! ♥

What's the password?

2011-01-23T11:58:00.000-08:00

I’ve been a journal writer for almost thirty years. I received my first diary when I was nine years old and immediately found refuge in the small, blue lined pages where I would share all my childhood thoughts. The moments documented became more intense during my teenage years, while my adulthood covers a wide array of emotions from depression and confusion, desire and fantasy, to love and faith. It’s those pages that carry the deepest parts of me and guess what? They’re for my eyes only. To invade such privacies is, for me, the ultimate theft and betrayal. It’s not that my journal contains such secrets that cannot see the light of day (I have no buried remains in the yard ;-)); it’s just that those words are written in my own rhythm and vibe and are the realest, truest me.

In comes Brandy. I’m so grateful that Brandy is also a journal writer and that we share the exact same sentiments. I can write in my journal and she in hers without the other peeking over the shoulder, or silently paranoid about the thoughts and feelings being conveyed onto paper. Occasionally we’ve shared bits and pieces from our journals. Brandy laughs because I’m good for skipping sentences here and there and she takes no offense to it; I love her! Recently, I pulled out a journal from 2002 and shared a piece about the night we brought in my 30^th birthday. I had commented on the way her skirt hiked up while we were eating our “after the club” meal and I quote, “That girl has got some pretty legs.” In this sense it’s been kind of fun to go back and reveal some of the quietly kept thoughts we had about one another back then (and seriously, we really were just friends…ahh, I seem to be getting off track hereJ). Point is, we respect the other’s privacy without question, not only with our journals, but in other aspects as well.

These days there seems to be plenty of gray areas of what falls under what privacy guidelines. Let’s see, there are e-mail and social networking login and passwords, voice mail passwords, and we cannot forget text messages. Oh, how the world of texting has created an uproar and discord in relationships. For some, their partner’s unattended cell phone is as enticing as a martini during rehab; you know you shouldn’t, but it’s calling you.

When it comes to contemplating whether or not to invade another’s privacy, I’d think one would question inward versus outward. What is it within YOU that ignites the curiosity, not what SOMEONE ELSE is doing that prompts the curiosity. I’m sure that statement is left to debate. Many would say that of course privacy invasions are solicited and dependent upon what another may be doing. My argument would be that’s just a blame game for justifying a wrongful action. I’d think a person should ask herself what it is she’s looking for, why she’s looking, and what happens with what she does or does not find. There has to be some obvious (or deep-set) insecurities and trust issues. It’s those issues that manifest into actions like uninvited checking into a partner’s personal space. I guess that opens the door to another question up for debate: what is considered personal space? Are e-mails, texts, and online activities private when in a committed relationship? My answer is yes.

Once upon a time my email accounts were unprotected. Now they’re not. That has nothing to do with Brandy; she’s privy to every password I have if she asked. Thing is, she doesn’t ask nor does she pry into what we both agree is my space and I don’t pry into hers. The truth is we have shared certain passwords with one another. There have been times when I needed immediate information from Facebook and didn’t have access to get it myself. Because I trust Brandy, I have no qualms with giving her my password because I know she won’t misuse and abuse it. To me, there’s a humongous difference between sharing a password out of necessity, versus sharing it out of pressure or to appease another’s insecurities.

For me and Brandy, we’ve agreed that what’s hers is hers and what’s mine is mine. But not because we have individual secrets we’re keeping, but because we respect and trust the other. This is what works for us. So do share…what are the privacy parameters within your relationship?

©Nikki Rashan, January 2011

Change me...or accept me as I am~

2011-01-16T07:44:00.000-08:00

So you love the way she styles her hair, but you wish she would change the color up a little bit. Maybe you admire her style of dress, but you kind of hope she would show more cleavage. Perhaps she has an “unladylike” habit of cracking her knuckles, or a loud laugh you’d like her soften. Whatever your preference may be, you want her to catch on to the subtle suggestions and innuendos you casually throw out to alter the “issue” at hand.

It seems we often enter relationships with the intention to change the person we’ve united with rather than accept her exactly as the person she is. Or, if we didn’t start with a hidden agenda, it’s interesting how simple insignificant items that “didn’t matter” before commitment can sometimes become that mountain from a molehill when too much energy is put on what we may not like versus focusing on all the positives we do enjoy.

I remember late 2009 Brandy and I spent a weekend in Chicago just after we officially entered a romantic relationship. After an evening out we returned to our room and prepared for bed. And that’s when Brandy put on some of the brightest, striped/plaid-combo pajama bottoms I’ve ever seen. This wasn’t the first time I had witnessed her choice in bedtime attire; as friends we had traveled together and spent many evenings sleeping in the same room. Oddly though, it was that 2009 night that I first “noticed” those rainbow-colored pajamas. My thought was, I know she’s not about wear those to bed with me. J So I teased her because I couldn’t help it; cute, though they weren’t my particular choice of nighttime clothing. What I quickly realized was it didn’t matter what Brandy wore to bed as long as she was being true to herself. Surely I can’t tell her what to wear and further, why would I expect her not to wear her comfy bottoms with me? (side note: it didn’t take long for me to learn that Brandy has a variety of delightful items she wears to bed so it’s all good ;-))

Now, I do believe there’s a fine line between trying to change our partner to/for our own liking versus making suggestions for what we may think is our partner’s betterment. Example: Let’s say you meet a woman who smokes cigarettes. After you enter a relationship with her, you then request that she stop smoking because you don’t care for the smell. My guess would be that you knew what cigarette smoke smelled like to begin with, yet, still opted to pursue commitment. Surely you can’t expect to change her smoking habit when you already knew she smoked from the start. It's this kind of attempt to change the ways of another that causes frustration and damage within a relationship. Still, on the other hand, if you were to sincerely become concerned about your partner’s health due to smoking, by all means, communicate your feelings and talk about it.

On a lighter side, while we may always have certain preferential “likes” about our partner, we are never to discount her aside from them. My sweet B loves when I wear green eyeliner. But that doesn’t stop me from wearing purple, blue, brown, black or none at all. I know that no matter what, when she looks into my eyes, she loves me the same each and every time whether I’m wearing her favorite or not. She grants me the freedom to experiment and to be me at all times.

Overall, I enjoy that Brandy recommends new ideas I may not have considered before, and that I open new doors for her as well. But do we try to mold one another into anything other than who we are? No, we don’t. Our relationship is and will remain about growth. Of course with that growth there will be individual changes and changes together along the way. No person and no relationship remains stagnant (at least I hope not!). Changes will arise, whether we love, like, or groan a bit about whatever those changes may be. What we have to remember and continue is to be respectful of all aspects of the other no matter what, just as we are today.

Your Past: to share or not to share?

2011-01-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

Nikki and I are fortunate to have spent many years together as close friends. What I admire about our connection is the unconditional love that has always protected us. I believe it helped to cultivate our friendship. As you can imagine we’ve shared stories and witnessed incidents that we might not have otherwise shared. Still, there is no judgment, no fault, and no blame. Respect reigns supreme. Despite experiences and situations of past involvements, what matters most is the essence of her being. Her character- which might I add kept me bonded to her- is all that matters at the end of the day.

Knowledge of the past is beneficial. In the same breath, I do believe certain discretion should be placed on what is shared with your mate. Although Nikki and I have gone through so much together, we do not know EVERYTHING. We ask what we want to know/ need to know and respect whatever the answer may be. On the flipside, we do not ask things we REALLY don’t want to know. J You know what I mean… those things that make your damn teeth cringe and ears ring. At least that’s what happens to me, ha-ha! Not that we hold the past against the other, some things are better left dead. We do not consider this a form of dishonesty or omission. Granted, we are open to ask any and everything. The main component is respecting the answer and knowing our capacity to handle it. We agree that what happened prior to the day we made our relationship official is to a large part, irrelevant; this is what works for us. There is not “black and white” in this topic. Some relationships work sharing everything and some backfire by sharing everything. Many of us know couples who have shared every itty, bitty detail of their pasts only to have it thrown back in their faces later. Not cool. Always remember that the present is most important. What may have happened before you is before you. This isn’t an attempt to hide who you are, it’s an opportunity to share with your partner the person you are now. Allow your experiences together to shape your tomorrows and not the circumstances of your past.

We made the decision to be together. In doing so, we embrace all of who we are to each other, with each other and for each other. I like to think we have grown and we’re still growing. We are aware that our past helped mold us into the women we are today. We are grateful for our growing pains/gains because they have made us stronger and better for one another! Our well-being, spirituality, happiness, fears, and children take precedence over everything else. The insignificant details of failed relationships do not take the limelight from our present. We are our focal point. Nikki and I joke that we are each other’s first. Though we laugh, a lot of our experiences together feel like the first time. Our opinions about things/stuff are formed by our present mindset. We do not allow our past experiences to deter us from current experiences. We’ve opened our hearts to us. She and I, me and her, we are in control of our own destiny.

Who or what will you allow to control yours?

Now or Later? What's your approach?

2011-01-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

Nikki: “Don’t rush me, I’m waiting for the last minute” - Recently I saw this quote on a refrigerator magnet and I had to laugh out loud. If this isn’t one of my silent mottos, I don’t know what is. Not to say I’m proud of my talent in the art of procrastination, but it is a quality I’ve acknowledged, accepted, and have embraced as a part of me. Give me a deadline and sure, I’ll meet it. It very likely will be right at the last few ticks on the clock, however. It’s an old stereotype but yes, I’m one of those people that works best under pressure. When I’m “forced” to do something, I do it. Until then, well… I’ll get back to you on that.

I’m not sure B knew the severity of my procrastination until the last couple of years. There have been quite a few scenarios that I’m sure left her questioning my delayed ways, but one that sticks out is when we were coordinating a party last March. She’d periodically ask me where I was with certain aspects of the planning and putting things together. While I had certainly started the process, in my eyes, there was plenty of time until the actual day of the party to get things done. What was the rush? That was my perspective though. See, my sweet B is not one to waste time. Give her a task, a mission, or an idea and she’s right on it. If it means enough to her, there isn’t the slightest hesitation to move forward. She’s on it almost before we’ve finished the conversation (I know this because we’ll be on the phone talking and she will have looked something up on the internet and have an answer for me before I’ve even asked the question).

I admire this quality in B. Sometimes I wish I had the “on top of things” attitude that she does. If we have a conversation about a topic that needs to be handled and dealt with, I know without a doubt that if I follow-up with her in a day or two, she will have completed whatever needed to be done. Or at least started the process with the next steps all lined up. It’s an amazing characteristic of hers that I love.

While we may differ in the manner in which we approach our “to-do” lists, our styles are quite complementary. There has been a time or two when B appreciated my “slow down, breathe for a second already” style and there have certainly been occasions when I had to thank her for scooting me off my behind to get something done. It all comes down to appreciating differences, recognizing their benefits, and learning how to make those differences work together. J

Brandy: “Ms. On It” is what I’ve been labeled. As much as I’ve tried to deny the accusation, I must say that I am guilty as charged. Seemingly there is an “URGENT” sticker as I learn what’s needed, what has to be done and what’s wanted. My being will not allow me to just sit on something before tackling it. My meticulousness isn’t for acknowledgement or praise; rather I see it as keeping my plate clean. J The thought of playing that ‘last minute’ game doesn’t sit well with me. I like to prepare and map out directions/ instructions and give myself enough time to correct unforeseen problems. Today, right now, this moment is my deadline.

Then there’s my wonderful love, Nikki. Oh how I’ve watched her string along and handle things in her time but on time. My insides want to explode as she puts things on the back burner until right before it’s due. I want badly to hurry her along but no, I sit back and respect her way of managing time. I can recall watching her from the sofa mosey through the house getting ready for work. I was laying there in and out of consciousness for about an hour or so as Nik paraded back and forth. So periodically I’d look up and she’s sitting in the chair applying her makeup, checking her email while wrapped in a towel. I check the clock and its 6:15am. I’m like okay, she has 30 minutes to finish up. Gracefully she moves with ZERO urgency so I chuckle to myself not saying a word figuring she doesn’t know the time. She looks at me, and smiles… I smile back. The clock now reads 6:30am and I know we have 15 minutes before we have to leave. Her makeup is now on but still no clothes and her walk is like we’re sight-seeing at the park! Never have I rushed her because I know she’s well aware of her time constraint. I keep watching because now I’m amused. I promise you, when the clock hit 6:45 a.m., my sweetness was ready with keys in hand WAITING FOR ME AT THE DOOR! I was totally baffled! J

I can’t say procrastination is my choice of handling a to-do list, but I will say my Nik has taught me to take it easy, take my time, and take a moment to think it through before reacting. I appreciate her delay. Though she doesn’t jump right on it, she gets it done on time which is all that matters. We have different approaches but the same outcome; success! Two styles of reactions, but one style of loving… unconditional.

-Nikki Rashan, Brandy Nasha

©January, 2011

Essential Fundamentals for Long Distance Love

2010-12-26T11:13:00.000-08:00

As I close out the end of 2010 and reflect on the past decade plus – the ups, downs, challenges, lessons, and growth – I realize that I am engaged in my fourth long distance relationship (plus a few faraway “likes”) in the last ten years. Before I go any further, let me quickly clarify that my current relationship is the last long distance relationship in which I’ll participate; what I have now is unbreakable, unshakeable and untouchable. These are the last frequent flyer miles I’ll rack up. J

Still, the more I thought about it, I found myself curious as to why I’ve chosen to spend most of my thirties involved with those from afar. I felt a little self-analyzing was warranted. First, I had to nix the idea that deep inside my subconscious I actually fear commitment, and therefore, choose individuals with whom there is little in person contact. Or, I’m such an introvert that I prefer to spend most of my time alone (but is that possible with teenage twins and a dog?). I’d say that there are no good women to date in my city; however, according to a past issue of former lesbian magazine, Girlfriends, Milwaukee was voted the #1 place to meet a woman. Really?

Regardless of the reasoning (btw: I love commitment, I do like people, and I’m sure Brew City has great women), I now consider myself somewhat savvy in this area and thought I’d share a few pointers on how to make these relationships last. Now, you may ask just how worthy these pointers are considering I’m on LDR number four. Let’s just roll with some clichés. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Practice makes perfect. Saved the best for last. J Here are a few of my own personal tips that seem to be of benefit in maintaining the spark and commitment within a long distance companionship.

Flirt: When we first meet someone, one of the initial early attractions and intriguing elements is the fun in flirting with one another. Flirting within a relationship helps maintain that “getting to know you” spark that’s so enticing in the beginning, but sometimes lost once we settle into a relationship. When apart, send sexy text messages to one another. I’ve joked with a couple of friends that if my and Brandy’s text messages were ever made public, whoa, we might be in trouble! We can never tell our partner too many times how much we adore her eyes. Or her lips. Take a moment to reminisce about a great time you had together. Revisiting moments you’ve shared, or sharing all you “plan to do” when together is a spicy way to keep the romance alive in between visits. Write letters, send songs, cards, emails and texts…do whatever it takes to keep your imaginations active and the creativity alive.

Communicate: Communicate, communicate, communicate! I could probably leave it at that, except it wouldn’t be clear communication. Because the parties in a long distance relationship are not able to physically see one another throughout the day, it may not be possible to pick up on the other’s silent energy. We can’t tell by her expression if she’s upset, or saddened, or irritated. We’re also unable to see expressions of love and excitement. Therefore, talking…talking…and more talking is essential to maintaining an open dialogue and understanding about how each person is feeling.

Trust: Trust within any relationship is exceptionally important. We all want to choose a partner that we have faith in to remain loyal and committed to the partnership. There must be an especially powerful sense of trust within a long distance relationship. It’s imperative to not only trust your partner, but to remain worthy of and loyal to the trust that is given. Sure, time apart is hard. However, if even the possibility of deception or disloyalty creeps in, don’t blame it on distance. Check yourself and work within to work it out. Honor the trust you’ve been given.

If Money Is Tight (when the dollar doesn’t stretch as far as the miles): When nights are long and perhaps weeks have already gone by, it can be extra frustrating if funds to travel aren’t available. But, do not be discouraged! Talk about it and put your heads (and maybe dollars) together to come up with a plan for the next visit. Check for the best airfare deals (I’m a particular fan of AirTran; B and I rarely spend more than $150 round trip for a ticket). And while it’s wonderful to spend time out and about when you’re actually together, some visits may not allow for leisurely spending. At times it may be more conducive to stay in and cook meals versus checking out a new restaurant. Or perhaps the necessary option is to cuddle in bed with a rented movie instead of going out to catch the latest blockbuster. Remember that time TOGETHER is what counts the most.

Maximize Time Spent Together: When together, every minute is valuable and is to be cherished. Be sure to create special memories. If you’re indoors, slow dance to a favorite song. Try a new cookie recipe. Play board games or video games. Read to one another. Bring excitement to the bedroom (or whatever room ;-)). If you venture out, go for a bike ride. Take a walk through the park. Get dressed up and treat yourselves to a dinner and live music. Brandy and I have a pact that when we’re together, we always do something new. Whether it’s spontaneous or something we’ve planned, we make the time to do something fresh and something we both love.

When the Going Gets Rough: Time apart from the one you love is a great challenge. Some days a phone call, email or text message won’t feel like enough. Often there’s nothing more you want than a simple hug, and with a big sigh comes the realization that it’s just not going to happen. These moments can cause frustration and aggravation that if not handled properly, can create emotional distance that’s deeper and further than the miles that separate you. So be sure to acknowledge your feelings…share them. Be honest. Be open. Be patient. With the support of your partner, know that the moment of irritation will pass. Because it will.

Remember Why: Whether you met while living in two different cities or one of you had to relocate, remember why you came together in the beginning. Maybe it all began with a flirtatious wink across the dance floor, a love connection via the internet, or a companionship brought together by a blind date. No matter the “how,” don’t lose focus on why you committed to the relationship and the distance in the first place. It all boils down to the fact that you fell in love. And between us, that’s all the “why” you need.

Happy travels, happy visits, and happy love to you.

-Nikki Rashan